www.incontinentsupport.org

I didn't want to hijack msshendo's thread, so I started a new one. I've been feeling very depressed. On the up side, my urge incontinence seems to have resolved. I need to keep up my Kegel regimen, of course, and I continue to utilize restroom opportunities when they present themselves, but I haven't had a daytime accident in months. I do, however, wear a trim-fit pull-up and carry a spare with me when I'm away from home. Nighttime is an entirely different story. Although my volumes have reduced, I'm wetting every night (only one time, I think). The AbriFlex pull-ups are working out well (thanks again, zenute!), although it eats at me that I need that level of protection, and need to pay so much.

My opinion of myself switches between that of an overgrown six-year-old bedwetter and a decrepit, old lady with brain damage. I disgust myself - how can I expect my husband to feel any differently about me?

Wetters

Wetters,

Thanks for not Hijacking my post but that would have been ok too. I completely understand how you are feeling. There is that stigma that people with our condition are older or we feel like we are still just little kids trying to get control over our bodies. The reality is I'm 44 years old and have been dealing with this off an on for probably over 10 years now. I have been overweight most of my life and that is catching up to me now. I see it every day in everything I do. Incon is just one part of how I have not taken care of my body in my life time.

What I do not know for you is how your husband handles it. My wife is very accepting and very helpful. I order online what I need and wear and when it comes into the house I bring it in an put it away. We have a dedicated trash can in the bathroom that is for my diapers and her pads. When it gets full I empty it and take it out. Like I said in my post she was very accepting and helpful last weekend when I had to cut our day short because I failed to plan ahead. If your husband loves you and understanding of what you are going through, I don't believe he looks at you as anything less then the bride he took as his wife at your wedding. I believe you are treasured by your creator and I suspect by your spouse as well.

_________________
"Why is the rum always gone?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -
Gore Vidal

Looking at our incontinent selves can lead to depression, no doubt about that. However, there just might be another way to see ourselves. Listening to lengthy tales of woe from family, friends and acquaintences sometimes makes me proud of how well I manage. If those folks only knew what I must do every day to appear normal, they would stop complaining about their hangnails. Keeping a positive attitude despite the stigmas that society and occasionally our own psyches thrust upon us takes hard work, and deserves to be rewarded, not derided. Granted, incontinence alone cannot compare to cancer, or arthritis, or to the life-threatening traumas that sometimes cause it, but dealing with it effectively is an achievement that deserves praise.

I hear what you all are saying and totally agree. I am double incontinent and grateful that my wife has been very supportive. It has not been easy for her, but I try to protect her from the most unpleasant aspects of my incontinence, particularly the fecal aspect. However, on a few occasions, such as after shoulder surgery, she has had to help with my enemas and with diapering.

As I use preventive morning enemas to help control my bowel incontinence (with all doctors' approval), I have taken over our upstairs guest bathroom and essentially made it my procedure room for the enemas and diaper changes. This at least keeps most of that part of my life out of sight.

Next month I will have a two-level spinal fusion. From what I have read, that may severely limit me for anywhere from 10 days to a month. I have tried to plan and prepare as much as possible by buying reach extender/grabber, butt wiper, and a dressing tool and practicing with them, but it is inevitable that I will have to call on my wife to administer an enema, help with diapering. Depending on how limited I may be, what I fear most is if I may have to call on her to help clean me after a messy diaper. As I am chronically and severely constipated, my doctors are more concerned about my having impaction from the opiates used for and after the surgery than the fusion itself. After I come home I will have a visiting nurse to administer my enemas for a while. That will be a humiliating first for me. Very necessary but humiliating.

This is a real downer. I find that this aspect of the post-surgery recovery worries me more than the outcome from the surgery itself. I am 71 years old and independent. This may be the most restricting and humiliating period of my life. What I have not shared with my wife is how depressing all of this can be. First the incontinence and now this, although the recovery period is only temporary. Although I am well-educated and logically understand that I have no personal responsibility for these aspects, there remains an emotional aspect over which I have no control at all.

JD,

Good luck and keep us informed about your upcoming back surgery.

My heart goes out to you. I am obsessively proud of my independence. Although I have had numerous occasions when nurses and physical therapists have changed me, and they have always been professional about it, I will never give up my independence without a fight. With the prospect that you may need assistance for an extended period of time, I hope that your doctors will order physical and occupational therapy for you to speed the recovery of your independence. An occupational therapist witnessed me changing my diaper, and told me that I was doing it all wrong, that I was not taking Meniere's and brain injury into account, and so was risking a fall and possible injury with every diaper change. No more changing while standing and pinching the diaper against the wall behind me. An occupational therapist could advise you on the most effective and safe accommodations that your surgery would make necessary.

On the opiate front, I have had several bouts with sciatica; sciatica has won all of them. Opiate pain killers can grind your GI system to a halt and make bowel management difficult or impossible. Regulate your fiber intake, and use a stool softener if your doctors approve.

Wetters, I just found this and I can't tell you how sad I am for you. I'd like to think I've gotten to know you pretty well in the past few months, and I don't recognize the person who posted this at all. The person I know is a good, kind-hearted, positive survivor who understands that she is NOT defined by her body's imperfections. The biggest thing wrong with you is that you've managed to convince yourself that these things somehow diminish your worth as a person. Poppycock! You are worth loving, you deserve good things, and to be treated with dignity, respect, and deference.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

-RMS

RMS, thank you so very much for your thoughts and words of encouragement. They truly helped me get my thoughts back on track.

Wetters

I think a small novel could be written about all the ups and downs when living with incontinence. All of us have stories about the emotional rollercoaster this causes inside of us. One thing that that I am still figuring out for myself is coping with this is the same thing as leaks. All the best protection in the world sooner or later will leak. Nothing is 100% when it comes protection but if we try different products for different situations we slowly learn what works and what does not. I'm coping is the same thing. we have a lot of downs followed by more and more ups. But we are human and incontinence is a difficult thing to live with and there will always be those down times. Sad but I am learning this to be just a fact. Now, the same as leaks, we learn ways to make them smaller and more infrequent, the same goes to stress and letting the fact we have a misbehaving bladder/bowel not impact us as much. It's going to happen. We will get down about it but I am sure over time we will learn not to let it knock us down so bad and we get back up a little quicker each time.

Whats nice about these forums is we can help each other get back up or find strangth seeing someone else get back up and on thier feet.

Thanks, Rope.

Wetters

As I read this thread, I recognized a lot of familiar thoughts and feelings that I've struggled with as well. One of the philosophies of life that has really made a difference for me is the following thought...

It's not the events of our lives that define us but rather the way we respond to them.

I don't mean to suggest that this is the only way to think about life or living. Perhaps this thought will resonate for some and perhaps not. Regardless, if you find some truth in it then it may be something worthwhile to consider. Being incontinent does not define me but the actions that I take in response to it ultimately will (whether I want them to or not). How I think about myself, the choices I make to withdraw versus to keep facing the world, and the acceptance or the judgment I lay upon myself will be what I and others remember.

I'm not pretending I have this all figured out. I still struggle with my self-concept quite frequently. But I also remind myself to keep struggling. I'm quite capable of saying very nasty things to and about myself. I just know I can't stay there very long....

Hope this helps,
CJ