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This comes up periodically on most incon boards and Sandy recently brought it up in a different thread with a light hearted comment about her husband calling her lazy one minute, for using her diaper instead of making the mad dash and in the next minute said "Use the brief, that's what it's there for!"

Urge incon is particularly difficult to deal with, to accept that you have a problem. Consider the usual progression-and those of you with urge incon will find yourselves at some point in this progression; written from the standpoint of being out in the world, going about your daily business, away from home and the security of the bathroom.

1. You gotta go, and as you get to the bathroom find that was a little close for comfort, good thing you found the bathroom when you did. Maybe you'll start a little sooner next time.

2. You gotta go and head for where you hope the bathrooms are. Leakage begins and you have minor wet pants as you almost make it to the bathroom.

3. Wet pants gets old pretty quick. Some have doubled or tripled the underwear and some have started stuffing paper towels into the underwear. This is somewhat of an admission that things aren't quite what they used to be.

4. Better "just in case" protection often is moving up to menstrual pads which is not recommended simply because they are poor at absorbing urine. Now there are many discreet pads on the market-Poise markets the big share. So now you still make the mad dash, but leakage just before you get there is no longer a problem. Waterproofing is part of the pad you have in your underwear.

5. If the incon worsens, the next step is more leakage and/or the horror of not finding the bathroom, or it's closed for repairs! Now the flood comes and serious wet pants. Pads just aren't designed for floods or for holding much for that matter.

6. In the old days, there wasn't much hope at this point. Diapers carry an awful stigma and most wouldn't dream of taping on a diaper. Perhaps a little denial remains that the urge incon isn't that bad and you will make the bathroom next time....we hope!

7. But these days are sure different with the availability of pull on diapers which are not called "diapers" heaven forbid! But are called "underwear".
The tape on diaper is called a "brief" and the pull on diaper is called "underwear". Now with stigma kinda removed, folks with urge incon can wear underpants that will absorb and contain leakage up to a point. Wearing a good pull on diaper will also protect against the occasional flood.

8. That stage of wearing the pull on diaper and dashing off to the bathroom can go on indefinately. The pull on is excellent "just in case" protection, and as your success rate in getting to the bathroom on time or nearly so continues, the pull on will be an excellent management tool. They excell when you don't get them seriously wet.

9. This brings us to the guilt trip point! To dash or not to dash! Does your success in making it to the bathroom results in stress (can I make it?) and maybe even some physical pain in trying to "hold on" while you find the bathroom and maybe are stuck in a line waiting on a stall-horrors! You end up wetting the pull on diaper even tho you (technically) made it to the bathroom. Now you may want to asses the effect your urge incon is having on your life.

Is the urge incon running your life? Always scoping out the bathrooms, usually the drop everything and run (almost) to the nearest bathroom? How often is that happening? are you satisfied with being stuck on a constant bathroom quest? For what? So you won't feel guilty about wetting your diaper?

10. The final step, is simply admitting there is a problem. You are incontinent. Yes, you can sometimes make it to the bathroom and usually always do so when home. But when you are out and about, you've decided you are going to wear a diaper and take back your life and do what normal people do. Shop, eat out, go to a show, resturant, and relax and live like the normal people do...since you are wearing a diaper, you are like the rest of the normal people, neither dashing off to the nearest bathroom nor wetting your pants nor leaving wet furniture behind.

Yeah, it's an individual choice-you have to live with what you might consider lazy in using a diaper, versus all you have to put up with in trying to get to the damn bathroom. I think a "normal" life trumps feeling lazy about using a diaper instead of making a mad dash!

My $5 worth! Joe K

You provide a very articulate description of the way urge incontinence develops for most people and the way people's ways of dealing with it can change. Unfortunately, not everyone reaches the final stage of accepting the need to wear protection and get on with leading a normal life. It took me many years to accept the ideas that it's OK to go places without making location of the nearest bathroom my first priority and that wetting my diaper without attempting to dash to find a bathroom was OK too. Only after accepting those ideas did I stop "suffering" from incontinence.

You did a very nice job describing urge incontinence JoeK. Myself I really didn't start out with urge but it was something that came on later. For me at first it was that I was always damp or wet in my crotch area like most women I tried to use a maxi with limited success I went to my doctor he tried several differant thing that made the cure worse then the problem. I finally broke down and bought some incontinent pads that was a big help but then in time I went from a little leakage to a short stream coming out if I laughed sneezed coughed stood up sat down well you know the drill It was then I had to go to the belted undergarment. Well as I've said before in other post I held on to them way to long. It was while I was in the belted ones that the urge incontinence started. Mind you I was already in briefs at night for sometime. Most of the time when I leak I don't even know it's happening unless I felt a warming sensation. And when the urge part started I would feel it coming on allot sooner years ago then I do now. I was able to hold it back longer then what I can now. Years ago I had a few min. now at best a min. or less and it's all going to come out whether I like it or not.
My husband as I later found out was having his own stress except it wasn't incontinence it was me and my incontinence. That's why as I stated in another post he told me just use your brief that's what it's there for. The poor guy has and is always been so concerned about my needs and my comfort that it was really taking it's toll on him. When I finally just started using my diaper rather then trying to find a restroom all the time it made our time together much easier This man when we were first married got rid of his prized and loved Charger R/T so he could buy a new van with tinted windows in the back for privacy for me so I would have a place to go when and if I needed to change when I or we were away from home. I didn't actually know this until some years latter I was a little ignorant at the time. He said he was loosing interest in that old car. When really he sold it to help me. So if you don't think that caused him stress think again. Have you seen what a mint Charger R/T is bringing now. Anyway for anyone that's reading this please for your sake and others around you please just wear proper protection and get on with life!
..................................Sandy

Wow, Sandy, it sounds like you've got a great man on your side!

I guess my wife just chalks it up to it being my problem and my problem to deal with. Which is fine, because she doesn't give me any grief about wearing a diaper or wetting.

I get by at work with a pull up style and try get to the bathroom as much as possible. Sometimes my biggest problem is that I'm left to mind the store on my own, so I can't just lock up and go. Of course this also means that I can't always change so soon either! The funny thing is that I realized that every so often (about a year) I need to up my protection, so I'll probably need to just get used to diapers soon enough.

Joe K has presented a multi-stage pattern that people experiencing urge incon may go through.

I would add that urge incon is not a static situation - urges become more frequent, and there may be wettings without any (or very faint) urge symptons preceding it. So making a quick break for the bathroom, even if you're at home, may not be an effective measure. Sphincter muscles may be losing their strength, so that delay times shrink accordingly.
There comes a point when a person admits "I'm giving in!" The rush to the bathroom becomes less and less effective as a measure.

In some ways this stage comes as a relief - I don't have to make the quick break. It does mean that changing diapers becomes more frequent - a diaper will not last all day and serve merely as a "backup". Time has to be re-organized - making a space for a change and keeping an extra diaper at hand. At home, there may be only a slight change in lifestyle as you have close access to bathroom and to needed supplies. But when you are out and about, it means that you always need to have a all supplies for a complete change with you - extra diaper, wipes and plastic bags. For men, a small sports bag works well and appears inconspicuous. For women, some alternative such as a decorative cloth shopping bag may fill the bill. But it means that you will always carry this with you for any outing more than an hour.

"Urge" signals may be only a temporary signal, increasingly unreliable. So we're back to Joe's final points: diapers become a part of lifestyle and "wardrobe".

_________________
Michael

I've been incontinent for a short time compared to most menbers here I believe. It has been 8 years which certainly doesn't seem that long ago, though.
I started out wil little dribbles and I didn't realize my problem that much until my wife noticed stained underwear while doing laundry. She suggesterd pads which I wore, and it helped. But soon it got worse. Doctors couldn't explain why. Finally, after getting caught driving and having an severe urge come on, the pain was unbearable to hold it back. After a few episodes of not making it and wet pants, I told my wife I was going into diapers full time. She understood and realized the fear of a major accident was not worth it.
Now I don't worry if the urge comes. There's no need to fight it. I guess some may say I'm lazy wetting my diaper rather than make a mad dash to the restroom to void in a stall. I just let it come and go about my business.
My greatest problem is having a ready change available when my wife and I are out about shopping for a while. During cold weather, my jacket pocket is good. During warm weather it's tough. Most times I have a change in our car, and I walk out to the car to fetch it. I really don't want to carry a bag around or a fanny pack. I guess it's just a part of life(incontinent life)! ..................Paul

I struggle with how to carry supplies most of the time I'm able to go to my van and take care of it I sometimes use a Backpack and other times I use an over grown purse. I hate a purse it's always in the way but there are time in certain situations were your better to have a purse then a backpack. Your more likely to get your bag checked with a backpack then a purse. Most don't think twice about a women with a purse. I prefer a wallet in the back pocket Kind of rednecky I know but I do live out in the sticks.......................Sandy

Thank you, folks, for the kind words on my lengthy discourse on Urge Incon. Positive feed back is always much appreciated.

We've touched on "lazy" as a kind of guilt thing when wetting a diaper as opposed to making the mad dash to try for a toilet. That is no issue for me since my incon is from no nerve communication and I've no idea when I'm going to void.

In my case, a new definition of lazy. I'll admit it. I don't want the hassle of changing while out and about. I don't want to carry supplies! Cloth diapers can be layered to accommodate extended periods and the wicking ability of cloth trumps the disposables because the entire cloth diaper can be utilized over time, whereas the disposable is just about impossible to fully utilize-always considerable dry diaper at change time.

My emergency kit is in the vehicle and consists of a plastic bag for a wet cloth diaper and some wipes and a good disposable diaper in a little carry bag that would go with me into a public stall or the office rest room. That is always sufficient to extend a day to a long day, on the rare occasions that something comes up.

I have to add a very large caution, tho. Just because my skin lets me go 8-10 hours in a wet diaper doesn't mean your skin will tolerate it. Skin care is priority. If you don't have any problems, you can carefully see what extended wear you can get away with.

The other concern with extended wear is odor and I am careful with personal hygiene, diaper laundry and the use of a diaper deodarant (Fresh Again) which has never let me down.

I like that when I leave the house, I can forget my incon and go about my business, all day, and not deal with incon / diapers until I get home again, where it is convenient to deal with the diapers.

I bring this up to plant the seed in people's minds that just maybe they don't need to pack supplies everyplace and do diaper changes in less than ideal circumstances. Many may think they are stuck with changing diapers every few hours. And, that may be true-if your skin won't tolerate the abuse. But if you don't experiment, you'll never know if you can enjoy the freedom from diaper change hassles while out and about.

If you can get away with it, you will find much greater freedom and find your incon much less of a curse. Don't simply accept that curse of diaper changing that you assume is part of incon. I'm one who doesn't believe in changing diapers.....except on my own terms.

Hey JoeK,
Sounds like by your post , you wear cloth just about 24/7. I wish I could do that. I have a job that has no private bathroom for myself. Changing cloth diapers at work just will not work. I do go thru 3 to 4 disposables a day from about 5:00 am to 6:00 pm. My disposables are pretty wet when I change. I do drink a lot of fluids so I do wet a lot. I don't believe I could go 8 to 10 hours with out a diaper change. That's great if you can do that. I can bring my disposables to work discreetly and dispose of them too.
I would love to wear cloth at work, and I might could if I had a private bathroom. Maybe some day, I'll get one. ......Paul

Hi Paul,
You gave me good jolt, thank you very much, when you mentioned hydration! Man, that is so important and it is one of my worse sins, and I imagine played a big part in my extended diaper wear time.

Growing up incontinent (birth defect), my parents did not allow me to drink anything other than at meal time! to avoid the potential for a leak from an overwet diaper. It worked, of course, I grew up, got thru school and all with no one ever knowing I wore diapers and never having an accident / leak.

I do realize the importance of drinking fluids thru out the day! But again, I confess, life long habits are very hard to break. Tho I know better, I really don't do better!

When I was working (a factory with no private bathrooms) I changed in my car, mid day. It was a station wagon and I had to park along the fence and hope for the best for privacy. That improved significantly when I got a full size Bronco with tinted privacy glass. I made a curtain to draw across the rear window and I had it made. This is when I felt the hygiene was necessary, that a mid day change was a necessity. And with the Bronco, is was easy to do.

It was after the Bronco died and gas prices were getting up there so I got a smaller SUV that had the privacy glass-ofcourse-but it was just too cramped and difficult to change cloth diapers in the car. That led me to skip the mid day change and I discovered that I did NOT have an odor problem with that degree of extended wear-so I never looked back once I got into changing only morning and night.

BUT! I still wasn't drinking fluids as we are supposed to.

Now, I'm retired and have the luxury of changing or the convenience of not changing. Leaks mean nothing now, for the most part, and I am really trying to increase my fluids with a scheduled beverage at mid morning and mid-afternoon. So far, I can find I can continue my "lazy" habit of not changing diapers. Even with the increased fluid consumption, my cloth diapers are up to the task.

This long message is all about getting the point out that my extended wear time is a personal thing; others are encouraged to experiment, if they can do so without embarassment, and if they consume proper fluids-not skip the fluids as I did for most of my life! I am thinking cloth diapers may still be king inspite of the excellent disposables now available.

In your case, can you experiment on the week end, or a day off, where you can control the embarassment if you leak? Wear a "substantial" cloth diaper-keep in mind it has to disappear under your clothes for work, and drink your fluids during the day and see how far you can go-you may be surprised.

I hate to keep dragging this post on-sorry-but wet diapers with extended wear time get heavy and sag creates discomfort, so my "diaper support briefs" are an important part of the equation. I could not tolerate the extended wear time without the diaper being kept up and relatively free from sag.

And I hear about onsies-I've tried them-they don't come close to providing the support from my support briefs-an addemdum to the Primer.

Whew, that's it for now!

JoeK