www.incontinentsupport.org

I'm resuming an old thread, since I am going through some spousal politics. Apologies for this being long....

My wife has been supportive since I became urinary urge incontinent. Around home/office I wear Tena for Men or RealFit, depending upon sales for accident prevention. She has no problem with these although she initially questioned whether I really need to wear 24/7. But there is the odd time when the bathroom is occupied when the urge hits -- so accident prevention to the rescue. She accepts that now.

However, when I leave home to go shopping or anything that takes me away from a toilet for a significant time, I need something far better than a drug store pull-up. Before I knew what I was doing, I did try shopping in these and sometimes came home totally soaked. I was very fortunate that I never experienced public leakage with a very heavy sagging diaper hanging between my legs.

I currently use the NS GoSupreme as emergency backup. But I have since preferred a tabbed brief for comfort and absorbency (plastic backed Tranquility SlimLine). When I discussed testing a brief one day (and showed her one), she was quite indignant about it. "That's a baby diaper!! Why would you even test that?!?" I didn't argue with her because of her tone but went away with a shrug and tested it that day anyway.

That proved to me that she has issues with me wearing briefs. At this point, I have decided to use whatever I feel I need to, since the embarrassment will be mine if it fails. I realize that my embarrassment is also her's to some extent. But dignity starts with me. Nobody sees the brief.

I like the comfort and assurance of the plastic backed Tranquility SlimLine (and price). So it seems that I need to continue with it when I want but keep it quiet. If she questions it later, then we'll have another talk about it.

The real issue is that she doesn't understand the limitations of the drug store diapers and what IC people actually use. I emailed her the "AN INTRODUCTION TO ADULT DIAPERS" document, hoping that she would read it at her leisure. But she hasn't (she doesn't like reading much).

She isn't mad about it or disowning me (the rest of the day was fine). She is just repulsed by it. The only thing I can do is to quietly do what I need to. Over time the resistance will hopefully fade. She has otherwise been trying to be supportive. She even forgave me for wetting the bed the other day. She was only disappointed that I didn't tell her about it first thing in the morning (I was so embarrassed!) I think her acceptance is going to need more time than I needed.

Has anyone else encountered spousal pushback when it came to what you needed to wear?

Wayne,
I've been wearing diapers for a number of years, full time. At first my wife was trying anyway for my problem to be "fixed". She thought I just didn't care about having to wear a diaper. Went through a lot of test, drugs, and monitors, but nothing worked. She finally accepted the fact my new underwear was going to be a diaper. I ended up settling with a white plastic backed tape on diaper. I wanted to spice up my wardrobe with some colors and prints, but she did not like them. So I mainly use the white ones. It took a long time, but she accepted the fact that if I needed good protection, a tape on diaper is going to give you that.
I did end up talking her into letting me use a cloth diaper with plastic pants at night, but she still thinks I should use the disposable at night. The cloth is more comfortable, and I do not have to change over night with cloth. I do the washing though which is no problem.
She'll probably fully accept your use soon, Wayne, just might take a while.
Good Luck!! ...........Paul Martin

Thanks Paul, it's helpful to know that I was not alone in this. My wife also tried harder (than I did) to find "solutions". I expect this happens in many cases. I knew it was fruitless from the beginning but did get checked for infection, which was negative. She was more satisfied hearing that the "diabetes nerve damage" was the cause when it came from the doctor's office. So thankfully, I didn't have to exhaust your list.

I don't currently need overnight protection, so that has not come up but can see how that would get push back. If I ever need to go there, hopefully by then she will have assimilated ("Resistance is futile!").

Maybe in time I'll want something other than white but for me white is just fine. It's hard for me to imagine wearing a black NS diaper! Maybe it's for bikers?

But agreed, "good protection" is key and "comfort" helps.

Not sure what I would do without my wife's understanding in general, but it's been her compassion, and support that has made this point in my life bearable.

I initially tried to hide my incontinence from her but busted me out when she saw my Amazon order one day. She just asked "sooooo, why did you order depends"? Very subtle, very casual, I sensed no judgment in her voice but I was completely mortified. I'm not even sure what I started saying but her instant reaction was to reassure me and tell me "it's not a big deal". When I told her about how long it had been an issue and what's been happening, she was concerned and slighty angry at me for not telling her it had gotten that bad. I'd been "hiding the small leaks" for years, but I found out she knew about that too. She's never made me feel ashamed about it once. I have done that all on my own.

Do I think she is completely cool with it? No. But she accepts it. I try to keep things picked up and as clean as possible so she doesn't need to see it or smell it. On a less conscious level that's probably just me making up for her having to deal with me.

I'm incredibly lucky, and aware of that, and don't take her for granted.

_________________
Thank you kindly,
CG

I try to understand it from her point of view. And I think I get it -- who would want to embrace that (from her pov) her husband now needs to wear a diaper? All of this stigma business is uncomfortable. Oh how much energy is expended in dealing with that!

With the passing of months now, I am learning to accept it because I can't change it. It's already starting to become old hat and routine for me and because of that, I don't feel embarrassment about it anymore. But because she doesn't have to deal with it as directly as I do on a daily basis, she doesn't think about it much. Perhaps it is more like a bad dream that she puts out of mind.

I do appreciate the support that she has given me. Somehow, and together, I guess we'll get through this.

Believe it or not, this has become my default diaper. My wife hated the white diapers as they definitely give the impression of a “baby diaper.” I often would wear black boxer briefs over them. The NS Black, too me, feels less conspicuous and less likely to be seen as a diaper if it is glimpsed over the waist of your pants. Most importantly, and Germaine to the subject, my wife prefers them as they look more like underwear than the white or even blue diaper.

Granted, my wife and I have been married almost ten years and she has known about my OAB and incontinence before we married and has always been supportive. She had worked at a school for children with special needs, so she was very aware that adults can deal with this issue. It also does not hurt, regarding her understanding, that she also suffers OAB and relies on pads (even if her condition worsens she adamantly refuses to up her protection to a brief). Her explanation is that it is different for women and the clothes she wears.

Tarlton, that is interesting. The extra colours must have a market for it and had me wondering about that. To me it seemed rather pointless since the pants would be covering them anyway. But then there is always some time where we do walk around in our "undies" before getting dressed/undressed etc. We've been married 37 years but this has added a new element.

I have worn my underwear over top of the Tranquility SlimLine diaper to quiet it. It seems inconceivable but I found that the SlimLine to be noisier than the NS diaper! Perhaps the plastics differ? Anyway, the SlimLine is very white and the underwear cover seemed to help (not yet vetted by wife).

Then there is Paul Martin's comment:

So it seems that the real issue is one of "association". Hence no easy answer, except trial and error + time.

She’s probably right about her concerns of detection of a brief under her current fashion choices. If her leakage issues increase, she will likely adapt to her needs, whatever that means.
For me, I don’t deal with the typical leakage types (stress, urge, overflow, etc). My leakage is more of an uncontrolled slow leak with occasional gushes, like when I exert myself (standing, bending, sneezing,...). I have had to go with fuller fitting fashions (long ago) for the day to day wardrobe but due to my body shape (very slender butt), the fuller fit appears quite normal with the diapers.
She too will find the appropriate fashions to compliment her needs should the time come.