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So I'm new to IncontinenceSupport.org, but an unfortunate expert in urinary problems and old expert in diapers in general, so I wanted to introduce myself here.
First, I'll be honest, I've actually been inexplicably compelled to wearing diapers for as long as I can remember- why though, no idea. This had been by no means some sort of Diaper Fetish for me, more of a Diaper Love just like how someone can be inexplicably drawn to loving a person no matter how much they may or may not want to be. I was potty trained by 2, and never had any bed wetting accidents if you can believe it, it's just been an integral part of who I am. I grew up leading to believe this love of mine was completely abnormal and a horrible thing to want though. As such, all the way up till I was 18 I tried desperately to stop wanting to wear a diaper (as if that was even possible). At age 18 I joined the Marines, in part, to help me overcome this compulsion. Life it seems is not without cruelty or irony though. Just four months in and I got into a really bad car wreck that almost killed me. Among so many problems (like almost loosing my left leg), I had become urge incontinent from spinal shock and bruising (which for months went undiagnosed thanks to the severity of my other injuries).
After three full months in the hospital (no more catheters and bed pans- yay), I noticed I was getting urges every 4-6 hours, and was able to "grin and bear it" and make it to the bathroom most times in spite of having a long leg cast on. Quickly I realized I really did need diapers as a "just in case" backup. My doctor also though it was just a case of functional incontinence as a result of the catheters and cast slowing me down. Oddly, I did like wearing diapers again, but the though of my actually having to wear them all of the time was abhorring to me (screwed up and backwards I know). As such, I often just kept trying to clamp down and not pee until I made it to the bathroom- which my doctor supported and said it would eventually go away. Sadly, it did not go away and this also lead me towards a neurogenic blockage that simply wouldn't let me go even when I needed to.
I'm not sure if this blockage was caused by damage to my spinal cord (which I believe is what made me urge incontinent for sure), or if it was all just from my trying to make it to the bathroom all the time. Maybe both, who knows. I do know that at some point I got to where whenever my internal sphincter would automatically open and I'd start to pee, that my external sphincter would automatically clamp down and go into an automatic lock down that I couldn't consciously override. At that point my urge to pee would have already gotten a little painful, and would only worsen as the seconds ticked by. It didn't matter where I was at this point and I would have to stop, concentrate, and begin straining and pushing to even go just a little bit.
Of course, by this point I had been living with my urges for over 5 years. I had been to see a couple of urologists already and was full bore in trying all different kinds of pills every few months. Most just didn't do anything, but a few had bad side effects and didn't do anything. When most every kind of pill for urinary issues was exhausted for me, my urologists them moved to trying kegel exercises, dieting, wetting journals, timed wetting by going every hour on the hour, and a bunch of other useless techniques that might as well had been witchcraft. While every now and then something would seem to help at first, it always stopped helping sooner or later. Often I'd get really frustrated at my urologist and just stop going to him. 6-12 months later I was back to looking for another different urologist who might be able to help me, and sadly the process would just end up repeating.
Fast forward another 10 years or so. By this time I was having to use my diaper all of the time in spite of my still not wanting to. My urges were coming every 1-2 hours and I could only make it 20 feet before it would become unbearable. I'd have to stop what ever I was doing and concentrate on relaxing to pee while also straining really hard to overcome not being able to relax. All of this lead me to become a social recluse and never leaving my house (bathroom) short of going to work and food shopping. I had also been through another 10+ urologists since none of them were willing to actually do anything to help me. Without some sort of test or concrete proof to validate my straining, they would not take what most considered "radical" steps- and my problems would worsen each time.
Eventually I did find one urologist that was willing to do an Interstim test implant on me. The interstim device has electrical leads that are implanted deep in your abdomen on the sacral nerve, and are supposed to help regulate the signals going through it for your bladder and sphincters. It was a horrible failure and actually made my my problems worse still. With this, I had started to develop other life threatening problems from the pressure that was being made as I would strain to pee every hour or two. This same urologist actually had me undergo two urodynamics test at different times, but both of them came up inconclusive because I had to stop it from intense pain and nearly passing out from all the straining when it was time to try and pee.
I ended up dropping that urologist as well and went to the mayo clinic. There they focused on helping me get a urodynamics test fully done- but it seemed I had little choice as I had to get something done or just commit suicide. Luckily I did the test while on oxycodone and with a specially made small diameter catheter. This was at least a success in spite of the pain I still felt, but even still the pressure in my abdomen was literally off their charts. As such my now current urologist fast tracked me to get a sphincterotomy done. I've since had to have three additional sphincterotomies just to get me opened up enough to where I would not have to even think about going any more. Sadly I am still not fully there and still continue to have some times when I will freely pee without any straining, yet other times when the urges still hit me. (three were done on my external sphincter which is now mostly open and one on my internal sphincter which is still mostly closed).
Needless to say I've been through a lot, and I probably have another 5th sphincterotomy to come. In this more recent past (the last couple of years, and I'm 39 now), I've come to realize that having to wear a diaper and being fully incontinent is absolutely nothing compared to being hit with massive pain every hour and not being able to go when you have to. I've found that pads, pullups, and store bought "briefs" are horrible at best, usually just don't work very good, and actually cost more overall than "premium" diapers. ($0.60 diaper lasts 2 hours, $1.50 diaper lasts 8 hours- you do the math). I also used to be horribly afraid someone would find out I am wearing a diaper out in public so I always wanted to use the thin ones. Eventually though I found out the hard way that a thin diaper that has leaked is way more noticeable than a thick one that's done its job. I've even also come to find out that nobody notices I'm thickly diapered any ways, and all that fear I had before was really nothing more than unfounded fears.
Thankfully now, I am for once able to enjoy wearing a diaper like I've always wanted. While I do consider myself an ABDL (Adult Baby/Diaper Lover), I have been very open in saying for this last year that liking to wear diaper is not bad nor does it mean anyone has some sort of sexual fetish. In fact, this last part just got me banned from another popular website called dailydiapers.com. I for one, at least recognize that liking (or not) to wear a diaper, the difference in actually having to wear one is it's really extremely difficult to deal with. I had been trying to help others come to terms with this and be more confident, but it has been made fully apparent to me that people specifically belonging to ABDL websites are still in full denial, don't want it, and still prefer to remain recluses them selves. I'm really hoping I'll be welcomed here instead, and can share my experiences with all of you in learning that being incontinent and wearing a diaper (even liking to), is not illegal- not immoral- and doesn't hurt anyone. As such, none of us should stress out or try to hide over it. Relax and openly live your life- even if that means doing it while diapered.
Thanks for listening, and sorry for the long post.
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