www.incontinentsupport.org

There is a good chance that I will be traveling with friends and relatives in the near future. I have been managing my urge incontinence issues so far, but it's getting more difficult. My wife and I will be going to Italy next year, and I am trying to figure out how to manage. I have come close to emailing my closest friends to explain my issues, but haven't got the nerve to do it. I'm thinking if I did inform them in this way explaining that it would be hard for me to do it face to face, I might have more support. Any suggestions?

The only thing I can say is that I've found that the "I-word" immediately blasts the conversation into "geez, it sounds like you've got this terrible illness" territory. It seems to help keep things low-key if I just say that I have "bladder issues".

Can you run through in your mind something like "Hey, there's something we might run into on the trip that I wanted to give you a heads up about. I have some bladder issues, and normally they're not too obvious, but since we're going to be spending a few weeks together in close quarters it might come up. You might notice that I have to carry a bit more gear around, and I might need a bit of extra privacy sometimes. I'll let you know if there's anything in particular I need, but I mostly just wanted you to be aware up front. I'm looking forward to the trip!"

Obviously I'm guessing as to what particular things you might want to warn them about -- but I think it really is possible to talk about this stuff in a low-key way. These are presumably people who *like* you, and they're going to be predisposed to think of anything you tell them in a good, tolerant, "hey, no problem, just let us know how we can help" kind of way.

What cities in Italy will you be going to? I hope it's a great time!

(io ho seguito un anno d'italiano all'universitá, ma ho dimenticato quasi tutte le parole...)

Thanks for the advice. You do make it sound so easy. I've been trying to tell my closest friends about my problem, but just have not had the courage to do so. Maybe now I can muster up the nerve to do so.

The trip to Italy is just in the planning stages. It won't actually happen for another year or so. We do know that it will be in the northern area; probably Florence to the north and west. So, what was the bit of Italian written at the bottom of your message?

Dennis,

Look up my thread on "Telling others you're incontinent". There was quite a bit of discussion on the topic. I personally am close to my family. And my wifes family. I have talked about my incontinence with both of our famiies quite successfully. I have done this because I lived closely with them over the period of several trips and vacations and visitations. It was just easier to tell them I was incon and used pads than to hide my incon issues in shame. I refuse to do that. I am not ashamed. I have an uncontrollable medical condition that I can't help. And I'm positive about it. I get out and live despite having to wear diapers. The diapers are just a tool and nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, I have told my immediate family and my wifes family including her parents, grandparents, and sisters. Nobody made me feel any kind of shame. They all talked openly about my condition and wished me well. Nobody bothered me a bit and everyone offered there support. I have also told a close friend. I mentioned my health issues and how I had no control over my bladder. He too had some questions but in the end, it was no big deal. After all, it really is no big deal. Do not be ashamed. For me, it was easier to tell them than to be uncomfortable and in fear.

I haven't found it to be that easy Don. Sorry. I have shared other health issues with my family and they responded with indifference. So I have never felt the desire to share this with them. I have even had family members live with me and they not only never found out, but I never felt the need to confide in them. I have also told a few friends and only one was supportive. My best friend is still my best friend but we don't talk about this. He feels I am just being lazy. As a result I have difficulty talking to anyone about this. And this is why I don't date much. I have chatted or emailed at least 10 guys online who are in the same situation, many of them on this forum. Some are just resigned not to date anymore. I refuse to give up so easily, but I still find it hard to talk to people. It is a bigger problem than I think many people here want to admit.

For me it is just a point of vulnerability. I am confident in almost every other area in my life. This is just right now my Achilles heel.

I have told my adult daughter and her husband because I visit them for several days at a time a couple of times a year, and they visit me. I have also told a handful of professional colleagues with whom it was necessary to share a hotel room on business trips out of town. I guess you could say I deal with it on a "need to know" basis. The people that I've told have treated the subject in a matter of fact sort of way. My condition has never become an issue with anyone except my former wife, who couldn't handle it. (But that's another story!)

I agree that telling people isn't easy! But sometimes it's necessary.

I agree with the "need to know" approach. I've found that the people I have told reacted just fine. I told them my situation was due to my accident and that over the 14 plus years since the accident I have learned to manage it so it does not slow me down. I have gotten a little pity but for the most part people have accepted it without batting an eye. I don't want pity. I just want those who I tell to treat me no different than they did before they knew. I learned not to use the "I" word because a few did not know the meaning of incontinence. Instead I tell them that I lost control of my bladder due to nerve damage from the accident. I recently had to tell my new doctor and her nurse which went very well. I found that I did not need to tell as many people as I thought I would. I had one person tell me that I have concealed it very well and most have said they had no clue. I don't explain how I manage it and have never used the word diaper except with people such as my wife (shortly after we met) and my children due to the stigma associated with diapers.

dds,

I just read you post about ex wife. This is one big reason I am in a divorce(other stuff also). Have you remaried and how would you tell someone your dating. Or maybe I just stay single.

stealtheli

Actually she is my wife and not my ex-wife. I did get married last year to a wonderful, loving woman who has less of a problem with my situation than I do. My first wife and I divorced way back in 1993 which was long before my accident in 1998. She died over 2 years ago due to health problems. I have 4 children (now adults) that lived with me. The youngest is still in college but the 3 older ones are finished with college, married and gainfully employed. I was busy raising my children which is one of the reasons I stayed single for so many years. After the accident I never thought I'd ever meet a woman that could love me and accept my lack of bladder control but I was wrong. I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have such a loving, understanding and beautiful woman in my life and I thank God for her every day.

That gives my some hope. I have a daughter in college. One year left. I put my heart in soul into her this is not a ugly divorce yet still hard. I am getting older and thinking it will be harder to find someone to accept my problems. 42 years old. With this forum and people I think I just might make it.

stealtheli