www.incontinentsupport.org

Hi all. Tomorrow, I will be having lunch with a very good neighbor of mine that went thru some type of "minor" prostate procedure to help him pee better. Well, he had complications. And now (about 6 weeks after the initial proc), he has zero continence control. Needless to say, he is extremely depressed. His wife (not knowing my own incon issues but knowing that I am one of his best friends) reached out to my wife who asked me to "see what I can do". So here I am!

How do I approach him? He's normally quite "open" about his med issues, but he won't *lead*. So i will have to bring it up (which I am willing to do). I do not know what type of prostate procedure he had, but it was supposed to be an "out patient" quickie. Something happened and he got some time of infection. Went to the ER; IV antibiotics; got things under control; catheter issues (apparently, they had to remove and reinsert at least 4 times {damn!}), then finally sent home. Been pretty much home bound since. I've been trying to visit him, but he's been closed. His wife is near her wits end.

As for me, I have not had any prostate procedures (but they are coming soon!). Any tips on how to *help out my neighbor*? I've got the basics on incon mgmt (of course). But I do not know what to think when you (the patient) are thinking you are going in for surgery so that you can "pee better" and you come out nearly 100% incon. WOW!

I know once I broach the *incon* subject with my neighbor, his flood gates will open and he will probably tell all. But my issues were way different than his; so I have no reference poiint. And I really could use some guidance in how to approach him. So I appeal to this wonderful group on any/all advice!

Thanks in advance!!!

Blessings, ILuvLA

P.S I need to change my moniker (ILuvLA); it's not the same LA it was back then; it sucks now. But that's another discussion!

I really sympathize with your neighbor's sudden change in his body. Not sure how to broach the subject. I would not want to 'rat' out the woman to women back channel good wives have. It's nice yours shared. Maybe a how's it going....you haven't been the same since whenever....? Once the floodgates open, best thing I can suggest is just be willing to listen. You know how you feel but not how he does. Having another trusted male there to just listen will be great help. You have been on this board as long as I can remember. You have a lot of information for him once he is ready to hear it. First.....just listen. He is blessed to have a good friend and both of you are very fortunate to have wives that care so much.

Wow, its not difficult to understand how his world has been turned upside down.

As SteveM has said, I agree that being a good listener is important. Depending upon your lunch venu, it may not be the most conducive place to be discussing the issues. My arm chair advice would be to offer to keep in touch (especially if he doesn't at the lunch), maybe by phone where the conversation can be more private. As for opening up, you can lead by general questions about how things are med wise and allow him to share what he feels comfortable with.

Wayne & Steve. Thank you both for your words of wisdom. It seems obvious when y’all posted, but I was guide-less before then! So a very heart-felt *thank you*!

In a few hours I’ll be with my friend/neighbor. I’ll post an update if appropriate.

Thanks to all for this forum!

Although I second everything written above, let me add some things. I have had two prostate procedures and several bladder procedures. After listening to him, sympathetically and at length, introduce him to this site, where he will feel comfortable among other sufferers. Introduce him to the wide array of products and services intended for incontinents. Because our bodies change over time, flexibility and a willingness to change and experiment will become second nature. Good luck and keep us informed.

Again, thanks all for the hints, tips, and advice!

We had lunch today. After some general catch up and chit-chat, the "flood gates opened" (pardon the pun).

Overall, he's doing quite well. Just shocked that the procedure that was supposed to help him had the 100% opposite effect. He had the steam procedure where steam is injected into the prostate to shrink it. Apparently this is the least invasive of all the prostate procedures. ... well ... the fluid bags that were connected to him in order to keep his bladder full after the procedure were inadvertently allowed to run dry. This caused bladder lesions/scarring, atrophy, stricture, and a bevy of other problems. He had to have a second procedure to correct all of the above. A few days after having the catheter removed, all seemed well. Then, *it* happened. UI/OAB. He has about 15 seconds warning and then, *bam*. According to his surgeon, he is in the 4% category where things go wrong and he may or may not regain continence. Gut puncher to say the least; but he seems to be *accepting* (with some trepidation of course).

We bonded over the fact that both of our issues were the result of medical failure (i.e., negligence). So, yes I shared my journey; the ups/downs, etc. He seemed to "get it". It helps that he is 65 and things happen when you are "old". I was 36 when my gut punch hit. But he also knows that my wife and I travel (a lot), we raised three fine, productive, working young men, we enjoy life, etc. So he can witness that there is life even if you are in diapers. In fact, he was surprised that I was in a diaper during our lunch. He said he had no idea (of course because 99.9% of people don't know and/or care).

Of course I shared with him this forum since there are others here who have had some type of prostate procedure that he might relate to. And that there are better products than depends and attends. He was surprised to learn that there were such things that could let me go on with life for many hours at a time!

All in all, it was a great lunch. I don't think there was any shame on either side; just understanding. That was the best I could hope for.

Hopefully he joins this forum. It would be wonderful to learn of his surgical experiences.

Thanks again to all.

Glad to hear of such a positive attitude. Good for you in reaching out.

_________________
- Tom

That's great news. Thanks for reporting back.