www.incontinentsupport.org

I’m starting this topic as a way of working my way out of depression, so please be patient with me.
Every now and then, something will spark and I’ll be overcome with sad memories of my childhood, which I try oh so hard to forget.
My mother was (is) a harsh and very stern woman that I swear found some kind of twisted joy in making me miserable! My sister could do no wrong…
I was never completely potty trained as a young child, which infuriated my mother. I wet the bed, wet my clothes, wet even after going to the bathroom. My mom called me lazy, stubborn, “mentally off” (her favorite expression). I would wet in elementary school, middle school, and yes, high school.
I was -punished- by being put “back in diapers like a baby”, he words I diminish me…. I was taken to several doctors over my young years, who couldn’t find a medical reason for my wetting. “Oh, she’ll grow out of it” they said.
Beatings, severe demoralizing ridicule, teasing by family and my childhood “friends”….. Get the picture? I’m NOT looking for sympathy! Just shedding tears tonight.
I was made to wear diapers in elementary school, and my mother was forced to come to school daily and change me at lunch. The school finally forced me to wear pads and change myself as diapers was too much of a distraction, with the TEASING and all…. It was that or home school, which my mother wanted no part of.
After school and weekends, I was made to wear a diaper and top and “play” outside. Yeah, right. I did have a very few friends who I guess felt sorry for me. They remain my close friends today. Not sleep overs. No parties, no good childhood memories.
Things relaxed as I became 7 or 8 in that I was able to change myself and wearing more pads and such during the day but my mother made sure I was in thick cloth diapers at night. It’s almost funny in that I prefer cloth diapers to anything today. I would have thought I’d be completely sick of them but wearing a cloth diaper was (is) always leak free, comfortable, and my “safe zone”. If I was in a cloth diaper, I was generally left alone as a child, though shunned is likely more accurate.
I reached puberty and FINALLY a doctor suspected a deformity, which in a way, I privately celebrated! I was FINALLY treated as “physically broken” instead of mentally ill, stubborn, lazy, …. You couldn’t imagine the load off me! Then came the battery of tests, drugs, and my take of experimental surgical procedures, which as a minor was a battle to avoid. I ran away from home once to avoid it.
When I was old enough to leave home, I JUMPED at it and didn’t look back. One advantage of no friends or social life is that you study - a lot. I achieved high grades and won a full scholarship at a university far enough away from home that I didn’t carry my baggage with me.
I often wonder if there’s others here that has a life long incontinence issue and if you can relate? God, I sincerely hope not!!

I was spanked by my dad as a child and teenager, partly deserved. Now urinary incon full time, he has changed and taking care of me.

All my siblings were spanked until their late teens.

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Nappied, urinary incontinent only 24/7. Favourite napppy - Tena Slip Maxi but also wear Abena Abri-Form.

Although I was saddened to read your account of your parents' hostility, I am glad you found us, that we can be the support you should have had while growing up. My situation while growing up was different, but in its own way quite troublesome. On orders from my family doctor, I was removed from my family at age fourteen; eventually I was returned, but the abuse did not stop immediately, so, for different reasons, I do understand. Incontinence can loom large when family dynamics are twisted and do not contribute to the nurture of children. Again, I am glad you found us, glad that we can be of service, and glad that this site exists for just such reasons as you wrote.

Ellyn: I hesitated to write because like most other people, I cannot relate to the trauma that you have endured. As a child (at first) you wouldn't have known if they were right or not. That would make it very demoralizing causing so much self doubt. And to be negatively compared with a sibling!

All I can encourage is that you mentally "move on". That is all behind you albeit as unhappy memories. But the past is written in stone and unmutable. I have the impression that your parents still don't feel any regrets or wrong doing. That can only mean broken relationships.

So best to keep in mind that you didn't deserve that treatment (as I am sure you already know). Continue in the loving support of your immediate family and (real) friends. The day is coming when after the resurrection, we get entirely new bodies, neither male nor female. But in the mean time, we must make the best of what we are blessed with. May God bless you with a healed heart.

I didn’t sleep much last night and am exhausted this morning. Thanks you Patrick and Wayne for your kind words.
I re-read my post and beyond grammar mistakes, I’m embarrassed for what I wrote and want to reiterate that I’m not looking for sympathy. It’s my life and I need to be responsible for it and the direction it takes. I feel like I made lemonade from sour lemons but every so often, I get caught in a hole for a few days. Last night, I felt pretty dark and alone, though my loving husband and the boys were mere steps away….
I sometimes feel like I need to tell my mother how I feel but no good could possibly come from it. My dad wasn’t an innocent bystander back then but with the exception of one violent episode that put me in the hospital, he usually expressed silent disappointment with me. That generally changed with my diagnosis, which helped our relationship, but by then, all I wanted was to be away from both of them and that community. Sometimes I wonder how things might have changed had I been removed from that environment…. That’s probably one of the most important disadvantage about living in rural central Texas. My abuse MUST have been obvious to anyone interested enough to care, but sadly, no one did.

huge hugs to all

Ellyn, there is no need to apologize for what you wrote. In my own limited
experience, even with loved ones nearby, they often don't grasp the
gravity of the situation applying to you. I know that I don't always
fully empathize with my wife's own terminal illness. This is partly because
I am too busy earning a living and dealing with my own health issues etc.
She knows that but doesn't always agree that it is excuse enough.
I will keep working on it.

While incontinence was not involved, my late father was the source of
much verbal abuse, mainly to my mother. Sometimes she took some
beatings. My brothers and I used to hide behind a living room chair in
horror when this would happen. Much later in life, my mother finally left
him. I don't agree with the affair that she had as part of that but I do
not blame her for leaving. My father could at times be generous but
often was selfish. I won't go into further detail to keep this
anonymous. I am sure that many other families have been
through similar.

While I think my father often chose poorly in his actions, I still miss him
now that he's gone. He was hard to love in person. Every conversation resulted in
him launching at least one insult before it was over. Hard as it was,
I do forgive him. Jesus taught the need to fogive if we ourselves are to be forgiven.

In your situation, I expect that the others in your area while you were
growing up were just like many people today. Not wanting to get involved
in "someone else's business". I think we can all be cowards in that
respect even though that doesn't make it right. You would know your
own situation better than I could from this armchair response.

Please don't hold this against me but I would encourage forgiveness
as much as it is possible without expecting change. We can choose how WE
ourselves react and leave the rest up to them. This I know is difficult
and I don't want to trivialize. But I think if
you can manage it you will find a greater peace.

I hope this is somehow helpful. I know I have been helped by this forum
and its members. So if I can be of encouragement, then I am glad to do
so. And I'll second the "huge hugs to all".

Wayne,
I took the day off to work through my issues but am only allowing one day to feel sorry for myself…. Truly, I’m not the type to indulge myself in such selfishness but tied with not sleeping much last night, I didn’t feel ready to be the cheerful, energetic problem solver that our customers are used to seeing.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness, as well as others here to help me pull myself out of my personal “pit of despair” that I make for myself. My husband is always great at knowing what to say, and avoid, when I get like this, but he has obligations to our company today, which I totally get. Staying as busy as possible has always been my solve all but when I don’t get sleep, I simply get down.
The old saying forgiven but not forgotten certainly applies here. I love my mom and dad, and I have personally forgiven them for my crappy childhood and misery, mostly she put me through. I have had discussions with mom about forgiving her, which never has gone well. She doesn’t get that the beatings and other punishments, humiliation, embarrassment has devastated me throughout my life. She brings up the thousands that they spent on me for doctors, medications and tests, like she expects repayment, which I’ve tried -hard- to repay over the years. I learned long ago to simply avoid those discussions and concentrate on loving her because she’s my mom and my boy’s grandmother, which she excels at being. My dad is easier to talk to but further away, which prohibits frequent visits. Still, there are subjects we both avoid, but get along great otherwise. He put me through a window once while drunk, which landed me in the hospital overnight. I don’t know how he explained his way out of that one but I don’t recall ANYONE questioning me about it.
I recall my father beating my mother many times and once holding a gun to my mother’s head. This, hiding under my bed and just knowing he was going to kill her and that I was next. Loud arguments and screaming, yet no one cared enough to intervene. Living in the middle of nowhere certainly kept much of the horror private.
Before the MS diagnosis, I tried talking things out with a counselor, who was more that eager to blame my incontinence on my horrific childhood…. I’m not saying that it didn’t effect me in numerous ways but I have to believe that the birth defects, as well as the MS, is at least the main causes of my problems. I have noticed that when I’m upset, it aggravates my leakage, though my lack of urinary control has progressed to near free flow as time passes. Likewise, I tremble when I’m upset and depressed, likely MS symptoms, I’m told.
Well, it’s getting time to start planning supper and straightening things around the house. It’s going to be a LONG day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day. Have a great one!

Hi Ellyn,
I'll try to honor your request for no sympathy even though it was incredibly hard to read about your early experience,
and the pain you're feeling. Especially knowing how your words have lifted me out of a dark place before. Now I have a better understanding of just what exactly has shaped you, and why you seem to have such a deep empathy for people. I was in such a low place less than a year ago. My hope is that that is a good feeling for you to know that you helped someone, instead of just being sad and tone deaf thing to say to you right now.

I can relate to some of those feelings you talk about. I wet my bed until almost my early teens. My mother didn't help make it any less humiliating for me I don't think. I also remember "your just lazy" being tossed around. That hit a chord with me. Missing out on sleepovers, harboring a dark secret that I was mortified with my friends finding out about. Wondering why you're "broken" or not "normal" That's painful for any child. I was heartbroken reading your account. I was also encouraged/inspired knowing how far you've come from all of that.

From the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing! I know how helpful it can be to write it all out. Just know that it is all well received by many. Anytime!

Wishing you a speedy turn around from "the funk" (my name for the occasional depressive mood).

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Thank you kindly,
CG