www.incontinentsupport.org

Not a great day. Lots of thoughts going through Ol' Unreliable (nickname for my brain). Maybe I'm extra sensitive today, didn't get enough sleep, or something...idk,. And granted, I don't have my new complete Urologist work up yet, but I've been down thIS road before, and from what I've read, and been told, and experienced, this is not going away.

I'm not comfortable with that idea in this moment. I've been up and down with it since it started getting really bad. Some days I am like, "yes, this will not slow me down," today I'm more like, " F@%# this". (Please pardon my language)

I don't really want to have to change my diaper in the bathrooms at work. I don't want to take multiple showers a day, apply rash cream, take gross garbage bags out to the trash in the cold everyday, dehydrate myself, take pills that make me feel dull and sick. I realize I'm really really complaining. Please don't take offense to this. I'm writing this as a diary for myself, and if it gets read by someone like me a few weeks ago and helps them in some way, that's what inspires me to share. Presumably all of us have had my exact "bad day" here, so I know I'm not alone, nor am I special.

Twice today I was frozen with fear just to stand up expecting to see a wet spot. Ugh!!! I was relieved to find out that my expensive, plastic backed diapers held me down. Great, right?...I guess. I'll take sounding like a walking garbage bag if I don't ruin my chair.

And what the hell is wrong with me? My body is obviously telling me something is horribly wrong, but what? The list of things it COULD be is not super long, but all of them don't have great resolution. All of this rolls in and out of my brain all day as I deal with the symptoms, and wait.

I'm just tired. Can't really sleep that well. I feel weak, and sick. Could totally be medications I take, taking a toll on me. My mind is full of hypochondriac like thoughts. What I do know though, is I'm over it today. Hey, tomorrow will be good.

Thanks,
C.G.

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Thank you kindly,
CG

C.G.

Sounds like you have had a rough day. it is good to vent and trust me I have done my share. I would caution about the dehydration part. It is dangerous if you get too much and it also increases the smell of urine. I still have some of those feelings at work, but I am lucky I have a private office where I can shut the door. I still have to take my trash out as I refuse to let any one else do it.
Plus, I work in a place that random inspections of bags occur. So far I have not had my bag inspected. The only place I have had to open my bag was at a casino. As soon as security person saw the diapers, he quickly said your good. Another time I was stopped and told I couldn't bring my bag in. I have been doing this for so long, I just look at him and said, I have incontinence and I need to change before I leak and continued to walk to the bathroom. Nothing else was said.
Just hang in there and continue to vent away when you need to.

Thanks Batman,

I'm just tired and stressed today. Just sick of it. I also have a lot of worry about what is made my IC get so bad more recently. I should (hopefully) find out soon.

I agree about dehydration as a means to reduce IC. That was a bad habit for me for years to deal with it. Now that I've been strapped up with a full on diaper, I have less fear about the amount of liquid I'm consuming. It's terrible for you!

As far as changing at work. It's not that bad. Nobody wonders where I am. The bathrooms are 1 person with locks, and clean. I'm just still getting used to the hassle. Didn't go so great today.

-CG

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Thank you kindly,
CG

your feelings are common and nearly found in everyone in your situation... I can say its always worst before a real diagnosis, all the fearful possible causes are enough to send your stress level to 1000%, and that oftentimes makes the issue even worse as stress does have an effect on our bodies... you are not alone and you will be able to manage your life in some way hopefully things resolve with a real diagnosis and the stress of the unknowns will reduce.. with a diagnosis it will give you something to focus on. it can get better so don't give up hope and know there are great places like this to vent with people that know what you are feeling!

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Thanks realworld,

That seems like the bigger picture for me. Managing the symptoms right now is annoying, (and humiliating) but it's not probably what is making it seem unbearable.

Idk. I'm depressed, I can tell. I am also being nihilistic about it and I need to really snap back out of it. Really, life goes on, but c'mon!!

Sorry for the "why me" mantra today. I'm already annoyed again and it's still early. I'll get through it.

Thanks guys!

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Thank you kindly,
CG

Add my support. Incontinence management involves both physical and emotional skills. I commend you for your post on the emotional toll it has taken on you. Your post will make it easier for the next person, which is an important advantage this site gives us. Although I have been depressed for other reasons in the past, incontinence has not caused it recently. My incontinence involves frequent bladder spasms. They remind me that I should expect to remain incontinent for the rest of my life, so I'd better learn to cope, both physically and emotionally. More recently, my neurologist, my ENT physician, and my wife and family members have started campaigning to convince me to use a wheelchair full time, with the threat that, if I injure myself in a fall, I will go from a hospital to a nursing home for the rest of my life. Ugh! Incontinence is not for folks who are easily embarrassed, for folks who are not courageous, or for folks who rigidly adhere to behaviors that may have served them well in the past.

Hi CG and welcome! I don't post here a lot anymore but read posts several times a week.
I suspect that most of us have had the same feelings and issues that you are experiencing now, and we all (I genuinely hope) find a path forward to survive and thrive. The fact that you're reaching out here shows that you strongly desire to find peace with the changes.
Many of us here have medical issues that result in incontinence, but are relatively minor and/or are treatable with surgery or medications. Others here have more severe issues that result in various stages of urinary and/or fecal incontinence, that may be less treatable and chronic. With most, we do what we need to do and get on with our life.
I have neurological issues and deformities from a birth defect that has caused progressive and severe loss of urinary control all of my life. I have not dealt with the "whole thing" well at times, with occasional depression being my hugest foe, but it's usually short lived and I get on with it.
My point with all of this is that we all have the instinct to survive and thrive. Depression is the enemy so finding ways to reduce frequency and deal with it quickly is key.
I'm a wife, a mother, and a co-owner of a small business, and I'm here to say that incontinence doesn't need to stand in the way of a healthy and happy life. To me, getting up, cleaning up, changing my diaper, fixing breakfast, sending the boys off to school, cleaning house, keeping up with my work responsibilities, shopping, changing the diaper, more work duties, starting supper, family time, etc are all part of a normal and typical day. Usually I don't have time or the desire to whine about how diapers have ruined my life.... They are and always have been part of my life and I'm okay with it.
My life changes constantly, as does it change for all of us. I find the need and desire to adjust constantly, aswe all do (I hope). When we lose the ability or desire to make necessary changes, our lives turn upside down and opens the door to mind blowing stress and sometimes severe depression. Go with the changes. Keep yourself healthy (doing what's possible and necessary). Choose to be happy. Life can be as easy or as difficult as we allow it. If you're newly incontinent, find out why and try to fix it. If you can't fix it, do what it takes to be healthy and clean. If that means wearing pads, pull-ups, or a diaper, trust me when I say MUCH MUCH worse things can happen! Wearing a diaper is such a small inconvenience if you choose to allow it to be. I understand that a large percentage of women become incontinent at some point and to some degree. A large percentage of seniors become incontinent later in life. Do you notice the row of shelves at the drug stores and pharmacies? How about the number of commercials on TV marketing incontinence products? Online shopping sites by the dozens? Incontinence is no longer a stigma like it used to be years ago.

Patrick and Ellyn,

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, for your guidance, advice, and caring words. I feel so silly complaining in a forum where folks have the same problems, or in many cases, worse. I have read other "venting" posts which were helpful for me to read and relate to. For myself, and i'm sure many of others, this is the only safe place to do that "venting" on this subject. If I really think about though it's not really the complaining i need, it's the words of encouragement from you folks after feeling like i've reached my wit's end.

If I had to comment more about the emotional toll it's taken on me i'd fill up pages. Maybe someday after connecting with folks on here, i'll get all the years of packed away feelings out of my brain. Right now, by far the largest thing that is going through my mind is, "is whatever going on, able to be fixed"? "Will i be able be able to work, am I becoming disabled in some manner"? I am no stranger to blowing situations way out of proportion in my mind, and perhaps this problem seems worse than it will turn out to be, because of all the strong emotional feelings that get wrapped with into the physical symptoms, but this seems like a big deal to me.

I'm nervous about my health and safety. Yes, maybe it's too early to worry about all of the "what if's" but it's difficult not to let my mind go there. Ellyn your words about "adapting, and surving" do resonate with me. I think I will. I always have. I don't like to be held down, or told I can't do something. (that's had both positive, and negative effects on my life, LOL). I guess when i'm done feeling sorry for myself i'll figure it out.

Bless you two. I am glad you guys are able to rise above your situations, and to be a rock for others. If my issues can't be fixed I can only hope to have a fraction of the resiliency that you two have.

Kind regards,
CG

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Thank you kindly,
CG

Does the birth defect have a name, Ellyn?

HumanFly,

The threat that I could injure myself just shoveling snow or working in my garden has taken the air out of my self-confidence. I am far from having the skill I need to manage my brain injury and incontinence too. I pride myself that I appear normal to strangers, until they see me walk; then I must endure curious side comments inquiring my family and friends about me. Although my bladder pain can be sudden and violent, the challenge is more a marathon than a sprint. From time to time the embarrassment and exasperation become depression. I wish you success in finding the skill to manage your situation, and look forward to your contributions here as well.