www.incontinentsupport.org

My brother asked me why I can't hold it longer yesterday. It was a genuine question, and the question was triggered by our car ride home from the state park. He is pretty cool about my incontinence and is fully aware of my needs and what I wear for protection.

We were driving home after a long day of hiking which included a lot of hydration. I wore a megamax because I needed a diaper that would last the entire day because I didn't know where I could change or what the bathroom situation would be like. The diaper was soaked by the end of the day. We enter our development and one of the leakguards must have failed because I leaked and it was quite noticeable on my khaki hiking shorts. It was no big deal to him. He noticed and I told him that I felt a sudden urge and couldn't hold. He was cool about it. I showered and changed.

Over dinner, he asked me why I couldn't hold it the last mile or so - "Why couldn't you just clench harder. Does your sphincter give out, or is it so painful/uncomfortable that you stop holding it?" He was trying to understand my perspective. I told him that I felt a spasm and there was nothing that I could do. He wondered if I could squeeze my "muscles" tighter to fight the leak. He says that when he is in situations when he can't use the bathroom, its discomfort that makes it hard to hold it in but he can squeeze harder to prevent a leak. He says its likes doing one more pushup - its about tapping into the muscles and making them work as hard as possible.

I didn't know how to answer him. How would you explain what its like to have a leak or lose control? Remember that my brother was not being malicious with his question - it was a genuine, honest question and he was trying to understand my problem and to be helpful with his analogy.

Thanks for sharing your input

"Holding it," (Kegels) is a reasonable question. And Kegels do work, even for us. However, we are incontinent because, for us, Kegels do not work reliably. However often we do them, even under the direction of a physical therapist, there is a limit beyond which accidents happen. That your brother is sympathetic and trying to understand is a welcome blessing.

the best way to put as he did was "My bladder acts like I already did the "one more" pushup . after you push through that "one more" you can't do "one more" anymore...

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next time your brother needs to puke, ask him to hold it just another few minutes...