www.incontinentsupport.org

Hi everyone, and first of all sorry for the mistakes : I'm mostly french-speaking!
I've just discovered this forum, after some Google searches during a particularly hard period for me.
A bit of context : I'm 25yo, and because of a poorly treated immune disease I have a severe case of overactive bladder, leading to strong and unpredictable urges (fortunately, that's the only remaining symtom). I've been struggling with it for 6months now, and it seems to worsen. Now, if I don't know that I'll be able to run to the bathroom in less than 2mins, I have no choice but to wear a heavy protection ; FYI, I use the Attends Slip Active 9 (with tabs).
I'm having a hard time to deal with it emotionally. It will seem quite extreme, but some months ago I had suicidal thoughts because I spent some weeks completely isolated, fearing that my condition could be discovered.
Now I'm more or less socially active again, but I'm struggling with one specific issue : not panicking when I'm in public and I feel the urge coming, knowing that "it will be too late". I know that I'm protected obviously, but still, it's impossible for me not to loose my mind during those short minutes leading to the unavoidable accident. It's aways the same mounting panic, I become bright red and more and more aware of the fact that I won't hold it any longer.
Today was particularly traumatizing, that's why I'm here I guess. I was sitting in the bus when the urge came, but closely enough from my destination to think that maybe I could control it. 2mins later, huge traffic jam and I want to disappear...I become bright red, my eyes are watering and I can't help but sigh desperately. My neighbour saw that, and when she asked me if I was okay I lost control, both mentally and physically! I burst into tears, leaving her in complete disbelief, while my bladder lost the fight...

That's not the first time, and I can't stand it anymore : even if my accidents are not "visible" because those ugly diapers are at least reliable, I can't accept the situation and the panic is always unbearable.
I don't dare to see a therapist, but if you have any advice on how to manage it in a more serene way...I would be extremely grateful.

Sorry for the long post and have a nice day

Hi TalosGirl, welcome to ISC...
Often the panic/fear you (and many others) are experiencing comes from the worry that you will have an accident, with obvious leakage, and become not only embarrassed but in addition found out to be incontinent and having to wear diapers. It sounds like this may be your situation. Unfortunately the only way I know of to reduce this fear to a "serene" level is to become totally confident in your protection. I live in the USA and am not directly familiar with the Attends you are using but a quick look on the internet shows them to be decent but I suspect not of a super premium level such as Better Drys which are available virtually everywhere.

From your post I'm sure the last thing you wanted to hear was to wear even heavier protection but that would be my best advice. The only other idea might be to add a plastic pant over your present protection. I hope this helps a bit and remember you are not alone and I think you have made the step in the right direction by seeking help here. There are many of us out there that have been in your same situation and with the right protection have found out that it's not all that bad.
BTW...On a lighter note your english is excellent!!

Find good protection that prevents leaks or any 'evidence' of an accident and then learn to trust that protection. Once you have that trust (that your accidents will
not be noticed by others) you'll ease your tensions over being in public.

To build up that trust in a good product, venture out of the home and by yourself. Find a quiet area for a walk where you'll not likely come in contact with other
people. On your own, work on easing tension when you have an accident. Let it happen with no one around, yet outside in a public area. Do this a few times to
build trust in the diaper products you use. You can also experiment with adding inserts or boosters to help contain more fluids if needed. Vinyl or rubber diaper covers could be added for an extra security layer. Do what it takes to ease your concerns and apprehensions. Then, simply understand that you can and will have accidents and
that at no time will anyone be the wiser. Imagine that!

Experiment and innovate for YOUR solution. We all go through this process and we all say basically the same thing: find what is best for YOU and continue to look for
updated or better products to help make your life easier. And it WILL get easier. Promise.

Sorry, you are having difficulties! hopefully, you are working with a doctor to try to find a solution to the urge issues, many people do find relief. It seems that you have found adequate protection for your level of incontinence that you trust and that is VERY critical! because the confidence you have in the product to protect you in these moments are critical for you to find the eventual drop in anxiety. Everyone one of us that lives with incontinence has this issue when we lose bladder control so you are not alone! but the good news is given time and the self-acceptance that this issue is not your fault and combined with a product that you can trust the anxiety goes away! This takes time, courage and again self-acceptance but you will soon find that eventually it won't be visible to others and bother you to level you now experience. One big trick you can do is when you get that urge and the panic feeling is to take slow deep breaths and try to relax this helps your body and your mind, fighting tends to make both the urge and stress even harder!

_________________
Incontinence does not Define NOR limit you!
http://www.realworldincon.com

Join us on Discord! https://discord.gg/VCUBeUd

realworldincon@gmail.com
#realworldic on Facebook and Twitter

Hi TalosGirl,
As others have said, find better protection and that will ease your anxiety.

As you find better protection, it will become obvious to you. These panics as you feel the "sudden urge" will turn into a non-event as you realize your protection has captured it all. Keep a close watch on the effectiveness of what you wear and try to figure out why it failed or worked right. Was it an issue of fit? Is the absorbency in the wrong place? Did it fail in some way? Reach out to us with your feedback and we can help you find alternatives, or just tips on how to put these on.

Also, you will come to terms with your "new normal". It took me a long time to get over the fact that I could not trust my body any longer. Eventually I came to realize that it was only my bladder that was the issue, and the rest of me is OK. That was a big step in the right direction for my attitude. That was more than 15 years ago now. My wife and housekeeper know, but few others do. I live a full and very busy life that includes lots of travel and speaking engagements. You can do this too.

_________________
- Tom

Hi TalosGirl

So sorry that you find yourself here however you are amoungst friendly bunch!

As others have said the key is to find the correct protection that will fit your unique incontinence needs we are all different for me Betterdry, compression pants and a good waterproof pants work for my urges! Confidence comes with time so don’t despair you will reach the point of acceptance! I too had panic attacks and kept a paper bag on me to breathe into to deal with the hyperventilating issues! I now don’t need the paper bag to be honest wearing proper diapers is great as this gives me back control and my independence to go where I want!

If you feel anxious do post here first before things get out of control!

Take care

Greenbank

like john 1050 said is good idea for sure but something else to do is start at home first get a good handle on them times at home needing the diaper pullups or pads then do the walks and then trips to shoping you can do this we all had to take your time with it

Urge incontinence is particularly challenging since the "signal" can be sudden and painful, and the result is often a very large wetting that can exceed the absorption rate of a diaper. The key is to find and settle on a diaper that is appropriate to the severity of the incontinence. When using a new brand/type of diaper, test at home first. If home tests are successful, then wear it on short outings (trips to the store, neighborhood walks, etc.). This will build up confidence and trust that the diaper will absorb your heaviest voids.

PUL covers and compression shorts help conceal thick diapers, as do looser-fitting pants and shorts. That said, a thick diaper is much less likely to be noticed than wet pants.

Also, wetting a diaper in public will feel less awkward as time goes on. I went through a similar phase when I started having urge incontinence issues. But, it gets easier over time.

When an urge hits now (I'm usually starting to leak anyway when the signal occurs and have missed the chance to make it to a toilet), I just allow the void into the diaper to relieve the pressure and pain. I've already wet the diaper, so there's no point to holding back the rest. I've reached the point where I can be in a conversation at a social occasion or event, have a very large wetting occur, and "not miss a beat." I wear diapers with enough absorbency to last until the end of an event so that I can either wait until I'm home to change, or (if I'm on the road) go out to the car, grab my backpack of supplies and change in the restroom before heading out.

I second all of the above, but also want to add there is no reason to fear wearing the premium brands like Abena, BetterDry, Or Molicare. Yes they are thicker than your mainstream brief, but if you wear your pants a size or two larger, no one can tell the difference. I have worn 24/7 for 4 years, even under dresspants and most are none the wiser. The only time I got comments was when i was wearing cloth, which tend to be thicker than disposables. But when it comes to wearing disposables, they are trim enough to disappear under pants a size up. Also, it takes time to not be self conscious when wetting in public. Trusting your protection is key. I take it from your post that this is relatively recent. We are all here for you. This is a difficult issue to deal with. Once you figure out the practical day to day management, the biggest hurdle is emotional. When my incontinence returned in 2014, I was using Attends briefs and dropping everything to go to the bathroom trying to stay dry. That really made me miserable and frustrated. I knew that I couldn't just use the brief and not go to the toilet unless i wore premium protection. So I made the choice to wear premium diapers and not use the toilet unless i was on a break. Once I did that, my anxiety was eased greatly and my productivity went way up. So, if you only make it to the toilet 2 times out of 10, it may just be easier to let yourself use the protection rather than running to the toilet in vain. This does NOT mean you have to become totally diaper dependent however. I use the toilet when I can on days where my bladder cooperates. But on the days where i know its going to be heavy (Like today) and i know that theres gonna be a lot of voids that i cant stop and wont make anyway.. I relax and dont worry about it.. and wear the heavier protection.

Life will get easier.. hang in there! We are all here for you.

_________________
"We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love" Mother Teresa

"THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" - Captain Picard from Chain of Command, Part II

Time heals.
Any health change has a physical and emotional component. Tackling the emotional aspect of incontinence and accepting the use of diapers will take time.
I will echo what other people have said. As you wear better protection and feel more comfortable with its performance, you will realize that wearing and wetting diapers is no different than using a cane, wearing a hearing aid or wearing glasses. All of these aids enhance our ability to live.
After trial and error with different diapers and clothes, we have all come up with a system that works for us. I started with a slimmer diapers and plastic pants. After trial and error I felt that the plastic pants took up too much room. I also became more comfortable going from transquility to Abena M4 to Confidry 24/7 or Betterdry. It took time and testing to get me to this point. I never would have been able to start with Betterdry from the beginning. You also get to know the diapers. Some fit better than others. I like betterdry because they have the highest leakguards. Now I wear premium diapers with jeans, suit pants and dark slacks. None of them are sized up to accommodate the diaper. Nobody knows and nobody cares. I don't wear light clothing because a leak will be noticeable.

hope this helps