www.incontinentsupport.org

So this past week I got called out. I spent a lot of time away from any friendships as well as groups within my church due to school. I am 32 years old a pay rent to my parents and still live at home. It is apparent that I am going to have to get out on my own in order to be a bigger part of my church. I will not be offered a Job unless I have myself together. The thing is that my pastor has no clue about this issue and brought up that he knows a good group of guys that are looking to get a big apartment and move in together to get out own their own as well. Needless to say that is a huge issue for me. I have never lived with anyone that had even a clue about all of this stuff. I would just get a place of my own but were I live is very expensive. I have been giving a deadline to get out on my own as this Pastor is building a new church and could use me but he will not if I don't have my self together as he says... So my big issue is that it may be time to talk to him about this issue. The big thing is that he has know me for 15 years and is only a few years older than I am so...

Best advice for addressing this would be great help. This has held me back a lot and I have a lot of opportunities right now that would be great.

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My best advice is take him aside and let him know you need to talk to him and when you tell him just be open and honest and start at the begining. let him know you are struggling with the feelings that come with incontinence and having to wear diapers. Remember you are not alone in dealing with IC issues rhere are millions of us who are back in diapers as an adult for bladder or bowel issues.

there is no shame in needing to wear protection for a medical issue, the first time I had to tell some ione was hard but it gets easier, and as a pastor he should be understanding and supportive ( its one of the requirements)

When my boss found out I need to wear he understood and infact the medication he is taking for his diabetes is causing him bladder issues as well but fortunately its frequent trips to the bsthroom to pee so he can relate to my bladder issues.

once people around you daily know the stress of dealing with incontinence starts to diminish as you no longer need to hide your medical issue.

Hi there Guy,

I would agree to tell him. If he does care for you and wants you to be part of the growing church, he will understand. My incontinence drove me so far down a hole that I was lost. But it got me to the point where I opened my heart and found God and asked Christ to be my personal savior. I found a church to join and it was very important to me to get baptized again but I was worried how I was going to deal with my IC problems to do it in front of the whole church. But it was important to me so I approach my pastor and shared this with him. He was awesome and I together we worked it out.
If I were you, I would explain to him the Lord has put a calling in your heart to serve the church but you have this fear you must over come and need his help. I'm sure he would be honored to help you and to be a tool of God's will.
Hope this does not come off as too preachy but He does work in mysterious ways. Good luck and do let us know what he says.

Rope

Hi, FLguy. I'm going to try to tread lightly because I get it that it's your life and future that we're talking about here, and that you've known the pastor since you were 17. However, I think a bit of caution and questioning is appropriate here.

You're going to school and working. In addition, you're paying rent to your parents. That seems very responsible to me, and I come from a time when being responsible was the standard. What's the real reason that he wants to separate you from your family (isolate you), and who owns the apartment that he's so hot for you to rent? Do you have a good relationship with your parents, and do you feel that they have your best interests in mind? Are your parents members of this pastor's church? Did they bring you there when you were a teen? Do they like and trust the pastor? Do they even know him?

Also, has he specified what sort of job that he plans to offer you, once you "have [your] self together"? You could end up trapped as an unpaid janitor (or worse) for this guy, working for meals and a place to sleep, with no means of escape, instead of a legit co-pastor, youth counselor, or whatever you think you're gonna be. I know this is hard to hear, but I'm asking the tough questions and you need the answers in order to keep yourself safe. The fact that he's building a new church and has given you a deadline and an ultimatum for reinventing yourself to be more acceptable to him makes me concerned about his plans and motives.

I wish you all the best. If this guy truly is what you think he is and there is a good future in store for you with him, then I think you should tell him about all of your medical issues. He should support you emotionally and strengthen you spiritually.

W.
P.S. I'm old enough and have been married (to the same guy) long enough to be your mom, by a significantly comfortable margin. Also, my brother-in-law is a mainstream minister, so I know what the standards are....

So I had the conversation with my pastor during last nights service. It went very well and he was very understanding. To give some more clearity to what i was saying though. I interned under him for over a year and during that time I passed up opertunities to go places and he was mentioning that if I am still not willing to go places away and put both of my passions (Ministry and Photography) to use then I will still be were I am and not were he feels I can be. He was saying that I need to get out more and get a group of people around me that I can trust with stuff as I have been a hermit all throughout the last three years. His offer was people that I can be real with and will help me break the shell that I have gotten into due to school as well as a lot of life issues. The thing that he was saying was that he would hate for me to be the same place three years from now, and would hate for me to spend more money on school without the prospect of being involved with people that are outside of our ministry. Truth is that he is right. I have gotten to the point that I have no one that I meet or talk with on a even monthly basis so I do not really have any people that anyone would call friends. And the is a huge problem for someone who is going into ministry. I justified it with school being more important but now school is almost done and it is time I had good relationships with people... Heck I am almost 33 It is time to get a girl in my life that I can settle down with and marry and give my mother some more grandchildren so she stops bugging me about my lack of dating life. HAHA.. So All went well and I hope this is the right step forward for me to be more open and honest with others..

_________________
Life is like a camera
Focus of what is important
Capture the good times
Develop from the negatives
Take another shot!

I always found it difficult to do some church events due to me being incontinence... that was until my best friend form church picked me up after one of my back surgeries and took me home, noticing the bag of diaper and box of catheters they sent home. This definitely provided for some conversation and that is was over thinking the issue. Now a days i am very open to people if they inquire as to why i have a back pack "diaper bag". Its just be honest with people of you medical needs.

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Hey, FLguy - Once again I wish you the best. However, my spidey sense tells me that you don't have a social life because of him - not school. It bothers me a lot that he's discouraging you from finishing school, especially if you're close to finishing your program. IMO, it looks like he wants your school money to go to him and his agenda instead. I understand that this man is special to you and I'll say no more about your situation, but given that he called you out about spending too much time on your classwork, that also doesn't help how he looks.

Please think long and hard about your decision.

W.
P.S. Kudos for being brave and open with him about your incon issues. I'm happy that he reacted positively.

Wetters... He was telling me to get a social life before I spend a bunch more money on seminary.. I will be do with my undergraduate degree by October if all goes well and that is all done already. The thing is that I really have not life outside of family and had taken time away from church as well for a time so in the respect to him telling me not to spend a bunch more money, I can see both sides. No Church is going to hire a leader that has no friends and does not participate in church outside of service on Sunday. That is just a fact. Need to be out and making friends and trusting people. At issue for me is that I have a very avoidant side due to a lot of life issues that I need to let go of. I have a minor in Psychology so I know all the signs but do not apply the same solutions to myself that I would anyone else that is being avoidant. Fact is that I need people in my life so that I have others to talk face to face and that I can do life with. I get what others are saying about risking things with this guy... But As I said I have know him since i was in HighSchool. He was my youth pastor for two years and we have been friends ever since. He truly wants me to be the best I can.

_________________
Life is like a camera
Focus of what is important
Capture the good times
Develop from the negatives
Take another shot!

I don't know man, I agree with wetters here. He sounds awfully controlling, and kind of like he's manipulating you. I would be super cautious of that relationship.

ThatFLguy, firstly congratulations for opening up this topic about your life. I would like to bless you for your desire to get over issues in your life and serve God as a priority. God will give you the desire of your heart! I have been serving as a lay leaders in church in the last 20 years and have recently IC. What I noticed is that whoever I am sharing my conditions with, they are very open and encouraging about it. Many offered to pray for me. I would agree with you pastor. Ministry leadership is about leading people and therefore about relationship. If you only study but "hide in your corner" you can't get much of your potential. I would encourage you to open up to a few people only little bit little gain confidence. God bless you!

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I am newly IC (Urge + OAB) but that doesn't bother me, even as I speak in public. All is about confidence!
Would like to encourage you in your journey of IC.