www.incontinentsupport.org

Been a little while since I've posted. A good deal has happened since my last post, some good and some not so great. I am unfortunately still suffering with my bladder issues, and things have gotten worse than they were originally. My leaks have become much more frequent and much greater in volume. I tend to flood now after very little urge to go in the daytime, and I am still having nighttime leaks. I have also had 2-3 more kidney stones , one of which sent the wife and I to the ER while we were on vacation for our anniversary. In addition to the bladder troubles, I had to have my gallbladder removed a while back which has left me with some fecal urgency and sometimes fecal incontinence. While I have taken steps to minimize my stomach problems (and therefore urgency) I still have my bad days occasionally. Overall I am still learning to deal with everything. I have resigned to wearing heavy protection (mostly Northshores and Abena) but I am still struggling with it (anxiety mostly).

As for good news, I was accepted into a very good PhD program and I successfully completed my first year of coursework and exams! The wife and I are also about to celebrate three great years of marriage, and we are both looking forward to the holidays. Now on to my question... I am supposed to attend a bachelor party for my best friend from high school (best man in my wedding). We are going to be spending a weekend at a lake-house airbnb, mostly just hanging out and having a good time. Problem is, not only am I dealing with my bladder (and bowel) issues now, but I have a feeling it is going to be very difficult to conceal my protection all weekend. I have not seen most of these guys since highschool and I am not too keen on the idea of breaking the ice by sharing my unfortunate secret. There are about 6 of us and it's not a terribly big place so I am envisioning us sharing rooms and whatnot for sleeping. To be honest, I have considered not going because I don't see a good solution to getting through it without them all finding out. Anyways, I just thought I would ask you all what you thought? Any ideas on keeping things under wraps, or would I be better off not going? Thanks in advance for your help!

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"It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
- Rose Kennedy

IMHO, when you will not be able to keep your secret in a shared living circumstance, it is best to take control of the situation by casually informing the group that you must wear diapers, and then move on. Don't make a big thing of it and your friends will not either. Then just enjoy your friends and the party.

--John

Johns right just let them know you have a medical issue and require diapers, every one I have had to tell has understood try not to worry about it and enjoy your self and have fun.

Sounds simple when you put it that way. Personally, not sure if I can do it though. I appreciate the advice John and Robert. It is one of those things where I know that you're right and it probably won't be a big deal but the thought of it is anxiety inducing.

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"It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
- Rose Kennedy

I have been dealing with urge urinary incontinence for many years and have had to wear a high-capacity diaper 24/7/365 for about 30 years. My goal has been to manage my incontinence and to not let it manage me. And I have managed to lead a reasonably successful personal and professional life. I try to be reasonably discreet about my diaper wearing, but there have been a number of times when I have had to tell someone about my medical issue. This has mainly happened when I had to share a hotel room with a professional colleague. Believe me: I understand that telling someone about needing diapers is difficult and embarrassing. However, when a lack of candour would prevent me from doing something that I needed or wanted very much to do, I have told people about my situation. And I have always found the people that I’ve told to be supportive and willing to be discreet about telling others. The words of Franklin D. Roosevelt in an inaugural address are also appropriate in this context: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

That's excellent advice. I know as I move further into my professional and personal life that these situations will come up more frequently and therefore I have to learn to handle them. I am praying for the courage to do what I need to do in order to live my life to the fullest, despite this medical issue. Thank you Inconimiss, I appreciate the words of wisdom. Do you mind if I ask how you have gone about breaching the topic with others? Are you simply upfront about things? I imagine a matter-of-fact tone would be advisable in these situations, in order to portray that its really not a big deal. I pose this same question to everyone, any suggestions on how you have approached the topic of telling friends, family, or colleagues about your incontinence? I know this question gets asked a lot around here so I will search previous posts in the interim.

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"It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
- Rose Kennedy

Here's a suggestion that may or may not work for you. When (or if) you get to the point of having to tell someone that you need to wear "diapers" I would recommend not using the word diapers and instead say that you need "Depends". Due to the recent television ads from Depends/Always Discreet I believe that most (if not all) of the people you tell will just conjure up visions of a padded underpant instead of a (horrors!) diaper. Yes I know, you will be wearing a real diaper, but I seriously doubt that anyone is going to take the time to check and see if you are wearing a tape-up diaper or a pull-up as they probably imagined.

As an example, a good friend of mine knew I had to wear some kind of protection and once when he saw the top of my diaper when I bent over he spontaneously said "Hey, your Depends are showing". I doubt he had any idea of the real difference between an adult diaper and a Depends pull-up and I sure didn't try to correct him by showing him the difference. Hope this helps!

That's is actually solid advice Padded. I know we all believe in calling a spade a spade around here, but when discussing it with those on the outside of incontinence issues it may be better to refer to it by a more recognizable and easily understandable name. To be honest, the anxiety from thinking of this gathering has been haunting me all week. I hate that a) wearing protection is a necessity and b) that I am struggling to find the courage to step up and tell people so that I can live my life. I am hoping that this all gets easier in time. I am certainly thankful for this site and all of the great advice I have received. Helps to be able to talk this stuff over with other folks who can commiserate haha.

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"It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
- Rose Kennedy

Dallasic,

You ask how I go about telling people about my urinary incontinence when I discover, for example, that I will be sharing a hotel room with a professional colleague. If there is any special technique of disclosure that would work better than another, I haven’t discovered it. I just tell the other guy in something like the following: “Since you and I are going to be sharing a hotel room on our upcoming trip, I need to let you know that I have a medical condition that causes me to have urinary incontinence. I manage this condition by wearing diapers. I will disposing of the used diapers in a way that should not cause you to be exposed to unpleasant odours.”

I respectfully disagree with Padded53 about the use of the word diaper. I believe in being straightforward and “calling a spade a spade.” However, if using euphemistic terminology makes life easier for you, go for it. But don’t be surprised if the person to whom you’re speaking responds to your euphemistic description with something like: “You mean that you wear a diaper?.”

These are old friends from long ago? You will have plenty to catch up on. As your group begins the unpacking and notices how many others have a CPAP the issue of aging will come up. Knee replacements, hip replacements, oral surgeries... That would be a good segue for you.

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- Tom