www.incontinentsupport.org

I think the reality is setting in....
It is occurring to me that this is something I really have to deal with. Not something I can place on the backburner and pretend it isn't happening. Over the weekend I went on a trip with a friend and was gone several hours. As we were away from public toilets, out in the woods, I would have no place to change in private. At first I thought if I was in the woods I don't have to run for a toilet so no problem. But then I realised I still had to ride all the way there and back and if I had to go then I likely wouldn't reach a loo in time. I would have no place to change in private when I got there so I had to wear the same nappy until I came home.
It really bothers me that I can't just be frank about my condition, but I know not everyone will understand or accept this and if I started telling people eventually I would have to deal with an ignorant comment or even worse wonder what the person is really thinking.
Due to severe headaches I had already used protection in the past, during cluster attacks I would have to go frequently and I just couldn't be bothered with the amount of pain I was in to keep running to the bathroom. But even then it wasn't daily and I could hide it because I typically didn't go anywhere during cluster attacks. But now I'm getting an increased frequency more often and in the absence any cluster headaches. Now it comes on almost sudden or sometimes it feels like a constant need followed by a sudden and overwhelming urge. Now it has become a daily problem and is much more difficult to hide.
Now I'm feeling incomplete, embarrassed, stressed and anxious about this. I think I am here at this board really looking for the one thing we all need which is just to feel better about ourselves as people. We shouldn't be made to feel awkward about this any more than a person that wears a cast when they have a broken limb, or a bandage for an open wound, or a brace for a sprain.
Is there anything anyone can say that will help me to feel better about this? ~cheers

[quote][/quote]It really bothers me that I can't just be frank about my condition, but I know not everyone will understand or accept this and if I started telling people eventually I would have to deal with an ignorant comment or even worse wonder what the person is really thinking.

And you are NOT alone, Once Upon A Time.......far from it; we've been there!


You have taken a great first step in wearing a diaper so you can go out and be “normal”. Because it is not normal to wet your pants and leave a wet spot where you were sitting! Diapers allow us to be like everyone else…..dry on the outside!

Sadly there are folks who won’t try a diaper and so they expose themselves to repeated public embarrassment with accidents….or, perhaps worse, they opt out and don’t leave the house…..in effect sequestering themselves to avoid public humiliation….and that’s sad to see people, who want to be out and about… stay home home….usually in a despondent state.

You are asking a difficult question….but one we all face. To tell or not to tell….and then who needs to know?

All of us wearing diapers tend to fall into three categories….with some overlapping and sometimes we start in the first category and move on with time….

The first category is total secrecy….no one knows we are wearing a diaper. We want to keep that secret our secret. It does present challenges, for sure. I know because I remain in that secrecy category, and that’s after working for 3 decades without anyone ever finding out I wore diapers. Only your doctor and significant other know of your need.

The middle category has the most members, I would think. People who tell their family and close friends and then others on a “need to know” basis. And only tell people at work if there is a need for accommodation …. And incon is recognized as something that some work places must accommodate. I chose not to disclose my incon as I never felt the need for any accommodation by my employer.

I will also throw out that with competition in the work place, there are always people who will belittle you, given the chance and give you grief (and cheap shots) if they find out about your “weakness”….and most of us don’t need that!

The third category, I think has the least members…..the folks who could care less! They could give a rat’s $#%& if anyone knows they wear a diaper and they stare diaper stigma head on and grin and bear it. Let me give you a great example: Kevin Cline, a 30 year old single dad, raising a daughter and working for a living….totally incon and wearing diapers. He has taken on diaper stigma with a website….talk about going public! And I highly commend Kevin….check him out at diaperdad.weebly.com.

Many will move from the secrecy category to the second, where more people know and those are people who perhaps should know….if you are into honesty….and it sure will help situations when you are together and you need to change a diaper. Staying in the secrecy category has meant lying for me…..but I don’t consider that a bad thing, given my desire to keep my situation private. Sure, I lie and tell friends that I have to go home and check on “whatever” and then I join them later in a dry diaper ready to take on the event. I really don’t see the need to be “honest” to the point of telling them I need to change my diaper before I go with them. Others will surely disagree with me.

Let’s look at your specific scenario…going out with friend(s) to a trek in the woods with no privacy and with the trip to and back, you found yourself staying in the same wet diaper for an extended time and probably fearful that it would fail and leak and cause you embarrassment. You could consider planning for a longish outing, as you become familiar with your diapering needs for whatever period of time. It may mean wearing a better diaper (such as an Abena X-Plus….now called the M-4) or it may mean wearing a booster pad and then some clothing to help compress and support the heavier than usual diaper.

I am not a big fan of boosters and a soggy-heavy diaper….so I like to wear a baby diaper inside my diaper for those “extended wear” situations. They are amazing and I find I can go 3-4 hours and then pull the baby diaper out and dispose it, leaving my primary diaper still in place and now ready to take on the next 4 hours or more. Now if I were in your situation….while out in the woods….we know everyone has to “go” at some point and I’d say”Excuse me fellas, I need to find a tree.” And off I'd go to gain privacy behind a tree and simply undo my pants waist, pull out the baby diaper without disturbing my primary diaper, and roll up the baby diaper. I’d be carrying a back pack or a fanny pack or a “man purse” anyway for the sunscreen, camera, snacks….whatever….along with a zip lock baggie to hold the baby diaper and space to stash the baby diaper until I got home.

As you ponder the “who to tell?” and maybe the “when to tell” and of course the “how to tell”, I’m sure you’ll have questions and we all have opinions and “answers” to share with you. there are already many old threads here and there on this board.

Right now I suspect you are solidly in the first category…total secrecy. But I also suspect, since you do not want to opt out of life (good for you!) that you will size up situations as they come up and with experience….some would say “craftiness”, you will be able to engage in most things with out others knowing…or needing to know…that you are wearing a diaper.

And there are certainly some situations that you can’t take on with out letting it be known that you wear diapers. One example that comes to mind …. Boating and water skiing. In a small boat out on the water….there is just no privacy. Once you’ve skied and are back in the boat and dried off…..you can’t just sit and enjoy the rest of the boating trip as you are going to pee while sitting and the boat seat cushion is going to get wet with more than lake water! Here is where the need to know comes in and you need your friends to hold up towels for a "changing booth" as you drop the wet swim trunks, tape on a diaper, and pull on shorts so you can enjoy the rest of the boating without fear of peeing on the seat cushion!

I hope my rambling has given you some food for thought and as you face your question of telling….know that we’ve been there and we will offer advice and opinions.

Do let us know how it goes for you….and I do predict it will get easier as time goes on. You’ve made the hard choice of wearing protection ….. it may not be as hard deciding who and when to tell….just don’t rush into it….you can not “untell”…..<grin>

JoeK

Thanks JoeK, for your full response. I think part of what is making me feel down is having doubts whether this problem is just in my head or genuinely something I cannot help. I believe if it is something I cannot help it will make it easier to accept. But as I go about my day and an urge comes on I have been timing from the time of the first urge to the point where I can no longer hold it. There are times when I have several minutes but there are times when I only have moments.
I think I need to get back to the doctor and push her to send me to a specialist. She thinks this is just an overactive bladder but in my understanding OEB would not explain difficulty urinating or retention (I'm not getting a complete void). I already had a serious infection earlier in the year, one that caused a high fever and near constant leaking. We never established the root cause of the infection or even the exact nature. I'm sure my prostate was infected, I know I had a urinary infection as I had pus & cloudy urine, and I also had a very sore testicle, sore lower back, nausea etc.
During the infection a urine test showed high levels of coliform in my urine. However when the infection cleared the doctor did a blood and urine test and everything came back normal, including my PSA levels. Despite the ' normal' PSA levels I know my prostate in enlarged, partially because of the difficulty urinating and also because I managed to check myself and it was quite large, perhaps the size of a small orange.
Now I am disappointed my doctor has resigned to thinking this is OEB, I don't think she is taking me serious. And now I'm noticing considerable swelling & tenderness about my ankles and I have a strong suspicion it is somehow related to these urinary problems I am having. I think if my doctor does not start listening I will end up finding a new doctor.