What to wear- our best ways of concealing diapers and leaks

[ILuvLA]

JD: You always ask good questions.

It took me about 2 years to figure out what I was doing and what worked or didn't work. Once that part was in the past, then the fear factor disappeared as the confidence factor rose. As Papa had mentioned in a past post, new situations may cause anxiety levels to rise; but once we get through it and our confidence increases, then we can continue on and live life.

[Papa]

How many years did it take me to "calm down" or "adjust"? A long time maybe 6 years or more. Unlike almost everyone here my incontinence did not slowly develop. I was told up front I would be incontinent after the cancer surgery (Prostate). I was also told it should only be for three to six months, maybe a year. That only like one in ten would have to deal with it forever. Seventeen days after being told I had cancer I had a heart attack - which actually had been going on for three months. That canceled the surgery for the cancer by three months because of the meds and stress on heart. It also gave me three months to ponder the coming incontinence and diapers. I researched incontinence and diapers almost daily. I prepared for the worst case and to me, then, that was six months incontinent. Little did I know. I had endured and survived a war, twice wounded. The death of my wife, how hard could wearing diapers be for six months or less?
Then the faithful day came. The Foley cath (an unbelievably horrible experience to me) was removed 10 days after surgery and the nurse handed me a diaper and asked if I needed help putting it on. I told her I built shopping centers and raised two sons and had grandchildren and I think I could handle it. Having that tube taken out of me and the bag removed was like getting a ball and chain taken off after years of wearing it. Wearing a diaper was no more upsetting than being handed a pair of crutches. It was just part of the healing process. I had known it was coming and was prepared. The first few months were an inconvenience at worst. There were times it did wear on me yes and accidents really set me off since I thought the diapers would always do their job. But it was just temporary. Months led to years and that wore me out. A whole new line of thinking and adjusting - mostly mental - had to evolve. THAT took a long time. It took a long time because of the obvious but also because of the other and more devastating side affect - impotence. I have more than once considered ending it all. The PTSD from Nam didn't help either. I am here and enduring and going on because of the love of a woman. My wife of two years (we were together for 10 years before that and she has been by my side through it all. Papa

[dp66]

If this site had a like button as Facebook does, I would LIKE this very much. I'm still having problems letting people know of my situation. I just recently divulged my need for diapers to some good friends due to the fact my wife and I will be traveling with them for a few days. I informed them by writing a short note to them rather than face to face. That seemed easier for me. I did, however, receive a call from one of the individuals, and he was very supportive and understood. He, in fact, was having similar problems...not wearing diapers yet though. I think I'm getting a little braver, but it's taking a lot of time. One would think that at my age, 68, I would not be so intimidated and anxious about these kinds of health issues. You're a brave man, papa, thanks for the post.

Dennis...that is my real name. Maybe this is one step closer to confidence and acceptance.

[msshendo]

Dennis, I share your experience. We went away for a weekend with some friends (family of 4 with 2 young kids) and shared one room. I had to tell them. They would have been asking questions had I not told them. It was such a relief to not have to hide things while with them. Now for obvious reasons we never got changed in front of each other, always in the bathroom in private. But it was just easier not having to hid the diapers. I told them face to face after church one evening before we left. That one incident was a big confidence booster for me. It made me realize that other people really don't care that much. In fact, they were most considerate and even concerned about my health.

I find that most people don't bother really looking at you to see if you are wearing a diaper. An no one really looks through the trash to see if someone threw out a diaper. Really! Seriously, no one looks. People are usually more concerned with hiding their own problems to worry about yours. And believe me, we all have problems and we all have secrets. If you think you are the only one, you are wrong. Just imagine what this world would be like if we all truely took the time to be concerned and considerate of other people's problems in a loving way. Take the love and concern of this group of people on this site and multiply it by the population of the world. Wow!

[Puffy Pants]

As far as clothes go, I rarely wear shorts, but am not diapered 24/7 either, I just don't like them, unless I am camping or at the lake in the sun, jeans tend to stand out when it is 90+ outside! Coverpants are a must, along with compression shorts, and black/blue jeans, I like the same brand all the time, then I know how it fits in the seat. As far as acceptance, it was many years where I trusted them completely to go out, the external cath I trust more, but don't use that all the time either. I "try" to live as normally as possible with the conditions I have, but that as we all know is not always possible. I have never been outed as "hey you are wearing a diaper!"... don't care so much now, but I am sure glad it didn't happen when I first started! I would have never left the house in one again. People just don't expect it or notice, life is too busy for that! Puffy

[Patrick]

When I feel confident in my protection, I do not hesitate to wear lighter colored clothing. I have two sets of pants: One set, purchased when my doctor and family thought I should be wearing external catheters, and the other with waistbands large enough to accommodate diapers and plastic pants. I have four pairs of shorts, which I inherited from my son, which are large enough to accommodate heavy protection.

[LilliDew]

I too rarely care if someone notices that i have a diaper on. I realized a long time ago that Im not the only one. As diapers became a perpetual part of my everyday life, I just wanted to live my life without shame. There's nothing to be ashamed about. If someone out there (that 1 out of every 10 people) decides TO say something, that to me just shows their immature ignorance. We need to destroy these negative thoughts or fears we get in our heads. Its not like we have any other choice besides having a bag taped to our leg. That in itself is something I am not willing to do. Not ever have I "willingly" wanted to stick a catheter up my urethra. It was painful as hell when i had one initially during a hospital stay... never again. Let me digress, and say I too wear pretty much anything i want to, within reason of course. Im not likely to wear a "short skirt" on a windy day. I've never been into tight fitting jeans or super short shorts anyways. Im a down to the knees dress or skirt kind of gal naturally and often wear capris instead of shorts. As far as color goes; it really doesn't matter. if you have a bulge front or back, is color going to really make any difference anyways? Nor will wearing black in my opinion, better disguise a leak than wearing khaki... especially if you're wearing a dress, skirt, or short. I always stash a pair of jean capris in my diaper-bag/backpack anyways, just for such occasions.

Just tell those childish people out there to grow the **** up and mind their own business for once. You have better things to worry about.

[msshendo]

I don't think that could have been better written. Thank you LilliDew.

[Patrick]

LilliDew,

Your wisdom is a welcome addition here. I hope your courage will rub off on folks here, myself included.

[LilliDew]

Thank you, but i too have my daily struggles of self esteem and depressive "why me" moments. Ive just been around this block, FAR too many times. Stigmas will always exist, when it comes to people -over the age of 3, and under the age of 80 - "excreting" bodily waste all over themselves, or showing a "waterproof" undergarment different from theirs. The key is, to let those stigmas be theirs and theirs alone, and let those stigmas bounce off of you without harm or contagious after thought. If these ppl have the audacity to believe that fact of excretion absolutely disgusts them, remind them that when they last wore diapers as a toddler or teen who secretly wet the bed at night, they at one time or another lacked a "measure of control of their own" and they are shaming you about is a completely natural, unavoidable fact of life, every living animal on this planet does. Only you have no control when or where that fact of life happens. Ask them how they would react if the shoe was on the other foot, and they were the one being ridiculed.

If a chimpanzee poops on her foot and another chimpanzee was there to notice, would she be embarrassed? No. If the other chimpanzee cared, and made a fuss about it, she would prob just pick it up and throw it at him. LOL