Broaching the subject with family?

[Bernadette]

I'm not sure how far it's possible to discuss this without it becoming too personal, which is not what I want to do.... however, I'd be interested to know any advice on how to broach the subject of incontinence with close family and how anyone has gone about doing this.

I've kept things very private, at least I think and hope I have, so far - I guess some family and friends unavoidably know that I have to 'go' often but I don't think any of them know about my incontinence or the protection I need. There wasn't any need or desire to bring it up. But over Christmas, I'm likely to be staying with close family - it'll be the first time I've stayed for more than a night since needing this level of protection - and I'm worried that it won't be possible to entirely hide the problem, particularly when it comes to needing to dispose of used pads and getting things to and from the bathroom and so on. I may need to tell them something about it but I really have no idea how to do it. Perhaps it would be possible to conceal things - I have done when staying for just one night - but it would seem better to say something in advance than have them find out suddenly, perhaps. But I really have no idea how to approach the subject or what's appropriate. Whilst I can accept from my point of view that I need protection and it's the best way to deal with the situation, it's nevertheless very personal and much harder to discuss with anyone else.

I'd be grateful for any advice. Thank you.

[sociologygeek]

Bernadatte,

The best advice is to be as natural as possible. One poster on here said that he carried on banter with his buddies while his protection was in full view.. not sure if he was getting one on or something.. but.. more often than not, if you are at ease yourself, you are far less likely to attract unwanted attention than if you go out of your way to conceal things. As far as disposing of used pads.. what i have done when staying at my mom and dad's friends house downstate while i was going to my U of M appointments, and staying in a hotel is this.. bring a trashbag with you..and dispose of your used pads in there. Is there a dumpster you can put it in? Perhaps bring 2 bags, one for each day. I gurantee you that they will not be rifling thru the trash seeing if you have a diaper..

As far as saying something in advance.. that may be akward, difficult, and ultimately unnecessary. You may burden them with information they may not otherwise need to know. As far as them "finding out"..they are FAR more likely to say something if you act uptight.. When carrying things to the bathroom, i assume you refer to a fresh diaper, wipes and other changing accesories, yes? By now, i'm sure youve come up with a tote bag or backpack to carry the necessary supplies. If possible, time changes to coincide with taking a shower and bring the shower supplies and changing supplies together in the same bag. If anyone asks, just say its my shower stuff. As far as family gatherings..that gets tricky. I've carried a backpack with me to all family outings, and not once have i had to do a change whilist at their house. But i have had it with me. Ive been asked by several people why i am carrying a backpack.. and that gets akward. What do you use now to carry your supplies? Could they fit in something smaller like a purse? What i have done when at my parent's RV, i just took the diaper and otehr stuff, and wrapped it up in a towel. The problem with this is i bet you'd probably need changes at times other than shower.. In that case, it may be best to excuse yourself if you can, and do it in your bedroom, when no one is around..if asked, simply say i need a few seconds to myself, to get away from the crowd.. and say you will rejoin them in a few minutes. But, if someone does notice something, simply explain your situation, and if you are genuine, they would probably be understanding. But, don't go out of your way to explain to them the details of your situation..that is just, well, awkward.

[Paul Martin]

Bernadette,

Soci more or less told you everything I was going to advise. He pretty much hit it on the head.
I can relate to the same problem while my wife and I stay at a close friends home for two nights. I have always been able to easily take my supplies into the bathroom and change as neccessary. No one has asked anything.
As far as my soiled diapers, I use a disposable diaper bag that is scented, tying it up really tight. Then I place them in a plastic grocery bag like you get from Wally World. I was able to keep the odors to a minimum so no one knew anything.
But if you have to explain to your host what is going on, I'm sure they will be most gracious about it and will think nothing of it. Good Luck! ....Paul Martin

[PuddleGuy]

I believe the other guys said it best. Just act natural. The more you go out of the way to hide things, the more suspicious it will look. My family knows about my issues, however social friends, coworkers, and my fiancee's family are another matter.

There is no need to flaunt it, but if you have to grab your bag and head for the restroom I doubt anyone would say much at all. Most folk know to be polite when it comes to personal issues... I don't think anyone would give you trouble.

[charlottebrown]

I am totally open about my incontinence. I think if you try and hide it, it becomes like a dirty secret and that is unhealthy.

I can't help my incontinence so why should I be ashamed about it

[Paul Martin]

Charlotte,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your comments. Sounds like you have your incontinence under control. I like your attitude, not letting it get you down.
Please feel free to add more post. We welcome your views and comments! ..........Paul Martin

[charlottebrown]

Thank you Paul for those comments.

If you or any one wants to email me directly, please feel free.

Charlotte

[hetty]

Thanks for the various posts and for starting this thread. Some very helpful tips so far.

This is a topic that I am dreading. I don't want my family finding out as I don't know how they would react. I still feel embarrassed about the subject so bringing it up in the conversation is not an option for me. I would rather keep it to myself. Maybe in time, I might talk about it.

However, I am talking about it on this forum, so that's a good start, I suppose.

I am trying to be as natural as I can be, expecially with regard to the storage of my protective gear. So far, I'm managing to deal with the wet stuff on a daily basis. I'm scared that they will see my protective pants through my clothing but so far, so good.

But today had another bout of the fecal incontinence and I was in public. Fortunately, I had protective pants on and managed to get a taxi home instead of taking the bus. I just feel that if I had been around my family I owuld have panicked because of the smell and the fact that I would need to leave the room for a change.

[Bernadette]

Thank you all very much for your advice! And my apologies for not answering sooner - I have not been on here for a while due to internet problems and some other difficulties! I appreciate your suggestions and encouragement which were really helpful; thank you. As it happens I've stayed over with family a couple of times since my original post and a combination of your suggestions worked well, and as far as I know nobody noticed anything unusual and nothing was commented on at all. I simply took plenty of small plastic bags and a couple of larger ones with me, and made sure I had a handbag large enough for carrying any pads I’d need when out during the day. When I changed, I made sure I wrapped the used pad in plastic securely to prevent any odor, concealed in my bag or case and then when nobody was around, disposed of them – as you say, nobody goes riffling through the trash or is paying particular attention to what you take to or from the toilet etc, and normally people don’t go through your bag etc. I suppose it comes down again to the fact that people are paying less attention to us than we might feel they are and that with the right level of protection you really can keep inconvenience to you and anyone else to a minimum.
Hetty I hope that you do find support in this forum and that if you ever do feel you want to talk to family or friends about it then they will be supportive also, however I think it’s entirely your choice... I too have chosen not to talk about it outside of to doctors and on forum so far. It sounds as if you are dealing with things well. It isn’t easy to deal with having a bowel accident especially away from home but it sounds like you did everything you could have, and the protection would have gone a long way to reducing any odour. As I think lots of people have commented, using the right kind of protection is always going to be less noticeable to you and everyone else than having an accident without protection would be, which for me outweighs the risk of anyone seeing your supplies or anything... and personally I think with the right clothing, you can make protection unnoticeable.

[Paul Martin]

Bernadette,

Good to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear you trips out have worked well with you as you cope with disposal of our diapers.
I think a lot of people worry too much and place too much emphasis on being discreet to the extreme. Most people are just not that concerned.
Don't stay away so long next time. .........Paul Martin