www.incontinentsupport.org

My family, after my accident they started to know progressively, but I never tried to hide it with them anyway. Of course my girlfriend by then inmediately knew, after we quitted but we´re still friends (in fact, we were before our relationship began). My laters girlfriends (there have been 2) knew since we started, of course. One of them was disabled too. And we still have appoinments to go cinema or just to speak. I also had some "one night" relations intimating and the girls since I´m in diapers even having to say quick and surprising the fact that I was wearing protections hadn´t reject me, but I know that I´ve been lucky and that next time it could happen, but hasn´t yet. I have the conviction that women are more comprehensive with this issues that we are, maybe for the fact of being nothers, or knowing what it is for their menstruation to have to be protected for something that´s completely out of one´s control but the fact is that it hasn´t happen but I know it could the less expected time. About my friends...my school´s "all life" good friends were aware of my bedwetting that stopped 16 so it wasn´t difficult after the accident to recognise it, and the friends with not such confidence as I say I prefer to know soon if they have problems againist my diapers because then I don´t want them as friends and we don´t lose time lying each other when the reality is we both despect the other. I don´t want to relate myself with anybody who´s so cruel to do that, and I think we all should act this way, but I know it is not easy and requires self esteem and assuming what you want to your life and not but if we all did it maybe incontinence was a bit less stigma and taboo. But I insist is a choice personal and not easy cause it means finishing relations with guys you thought were friends but I think friendship with hidden things and fakes is useless. At university it´s different. I can´t do that, because there you need to keep all relationships with teachers and classmates. Luckily we have a delegation of disabled students and there´s a nurse who comes helping any of us who needs help for a change, or going toilet or to empty his bag. I don´t use to require her help unless it´s very important (for example, I´m dirty before an exam and I can´t return home to have shower, but things like that just happened 2 times in 4 years) and...I think that´s it. My way is to soy truth unless it´s at university, work, etc. and specially with family. If you can´t trust your family, who can you trust? I recognise at the first moment it´s always ashaming but believe me, people normally empathyses and does not change behaviour to you, even they offer help if needed some of them. But not everybody, sure. I know I had some luck to this point, but I decided before to act like this because I think it is the right way to act. Salutations from Spain!!

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CARPE DIEM ET QUAM MINIMUM CREDULA POSTERO

Sorry for a late post to this thread – but I just had a conversation with my wife yesterday.

I have been too embarrassed to talk to my wife directly about my incontinence issues and what it brings with in terms of protection etc. Although she do know (How could she otherwise) but she have been polite enough not to confront me directly with too many questions on how I manage during the day etc.

However sometimes I really become rather depressed about my situation and needs to be calmed and reassured that, despite my situation I can rely on her, to this day she have supported me 100% which I’m grateful for – she said directly to me, when I asked her about her opinion on me, that nothing have changed in her mindset towards me, only that we have to plan a bit more.

Sometimes I just can’t help but think, that being with a person like me with a disability as incontinence is, must be annoying in the long run, the smell (although I’m trying to be really cautious about hygiene and keeping the smell down , the sight and feeling of diapers and so on must be repellent…I always wear shorts, trousers etc. over my protection, as I still want her to look at me as a normal man. But sometimes I just get caught up with it, and usually it’s a those times we discuss it slightly.
However again she reassured me again, that she loves me no matter what, and that in her mind, it could be much worse than having incontinence. We would deal with it and not let it interfere with our life more than necessary.

she’s the love of my life, not because she has this attitude towards me now, but the second I met her years ago, I just knew she was the one, my issues here dealing with incontinence has just underlined this to me.

Hello average,

Wow, I could have wrote that past myself not a year ago. For people like us that have been otherwise healthy their whole life just to develop a condition like this is hard to get use to. It really is an attack on our self image. Something that helped me besides talking to my wife a lot was to ask myself, if the situation was reversed and it was her with the incontinence, would I treat or look at her any different? For me, the answer was no and I feel it would be the same for you. You would want to reassure her you still loved her and still found her attractive in spite of what she is wearing. You need to let her in and really talk to her and share your fears. Once you see there is nothing to fear with her you will be able to relax more at home and soon in other aspects of your life.

Hi Rope_Wrench,

I think your right about letting her in, but I have to admit, that I'm still reluctant to do so....although this have been going on for more than a year now, I still haven't gotten used to deal with it openly, and share all my thoughts about it, not even with my wife.

Maybe because sometimes in the past she accused be of being "lazy" if I didn't run to the bathroom all evening instead of using my protection.
I had to explain to her back then (and in some sense, still have) that usually if I'm lying on the couch and the urge strikes, that although I manage to get up, the floodgates open and it's too late because in the moment I use my muscles to get up, I lose my bladder. That's the beauty of urge incontinence / OAB

I just don't think the time is right to take it a level deeper....for now I'm happy with her support and acceptance of me and how I manage....i have to get used to it myself, before I feel I truly can let her in.
But yes, was it the other way around I would be there for her and supporting her in every aspect, NO DOUBT

My incontinence is much less a public issue than my Meniere's is. Meniere's has hospitalized me twice, has made me walk like a drunk even when I'm not in an all-out attack, and is impossible to conceal. As long as I keep myself changed, keep my gym/diaper bag handy, and do not challenge my protection by drinking too much or waiting too long to change, the issue does not come up. My family know, and are supportive in arranging our schedules so as to keep the nearest handicapped restrooms in mind. At a mall I read a book outside a restroom while they run their errands. More recently I have developed gastroparesis (paralyzed stomach). This has added bowel incontinence to my bladder incontinence. My family are curious about this situation; however, describing it in non-threatening, age-appropriate terms has been difficult. The gastroparesis diet is complex, impossible to hide or disguise, and has become the cause of several questions that I do not yet know how to answer. As is typical with GPers, I'm losing weight, and that is another cause for concern. If I lose another 15-20 lbs., (6-8 kgs) I expect my doctor will hospitalize me for emergency nutrition.

Rope: Well said! That's what my wife said when my issues became an "issue". She made that same statement to me and I had no option but to "let it go" (her words; not mine). She listens and comments when I bring up the subject and is otherwise a great helpmate to vent to when I need to vent; gave me suggestions in my early days of dealing with the incon; and just acts like it's no big deal. Even jokes about it on rare occasions to lighten the air.

Am I still sometimes embarrassed or ashamed that my most intimate partner in life seems me like this and having to deal with all that comes with being incontinent? ... Yep! But then again, all our bodies are breaking down in one way or another and I just "let it go"...

It is very helpful to read how the rest of you view and handle this aspect of your incontinence.

My wife played a significant role in getting me to accept my incontinence and wearing diapers.

As I not only wear diapers 24/7 for my incontinence but also self-administer preventive morning enemas to control my bowel incontinence, it has been impossible to conceal my incontinence from my very observant but, thankfully, very supportive wife. However, as a retired RN she is much better informed about these issues than the average spouse.

Instead my focus has been to protect her, insofar as is possible, from the more unpleasant aspects and consequences of my incontinence. She has never reacted in a big way when I have had a bladder accident, or, even worse, a bowel accident. She has tried to remain very matter-of-fact although she sometimes has had to help me deal with the situation. She has done this without making me feel any worse than I already do.

However, sometimes it is difficult or almost impossible to shelter her. When we are on travel I still have to administer my daily enemas and carry all the necessary equipment with me. For cruises, where there is little privacy, I have to take my enemas in a cramped cabin bathroom (or head, if you prefer nautical terminology!). In a small cabin, it is unavoidable that she will hear unpleasant sounds, etc.

We all do what we can, the best that we can, and a supportive spouse is indeed a treasure!

--John

One of the earlier posts to the original thread back in 2009 someone wrote, "I'm dealing with it as quietly as I can". I totally respect this choice and I spent a lot of time there myself. That being said, I'm now dealing with my incontinence "quite a bit louder". I'm not saying I walk around all day with one of those old tyme sandwich boards with big letters that reads "I'm incontinent" but I'm no longer keeping everything such a secret. I've had a lot of success letting some, a select few, people know what I'm dealing with and the support has been amazing. I just feel like if I don't treat it like it's such a big deal, others will follow my lead.

I've always coped with stress by making jokes out of things, sometimes bordering on dark or borderline-inappropriate humor I admit, and now that a few select people know about my condition and how I'm handling it, I can go back to joking with them. Case in point: my best friend is just wrapping up the toilet training phase with her daughter. The kiddo came out of the bathroom the other night and proudly announced she had used the potty all by herself. My friend noted that the kiddo has been really excited about learning this new skill. I coolly replied, "Yeah. Lucky kid. Don't take that for granted". My friend: blush, laughter and then, "No doubt. Excellent point".

CJ, I think sometimes we have to find humor in our life to help us cope. And I agree with you about not being quiet about it. I don't go running around shouting that I'm wearing a diaper. But I don't really care too much anymore who finds out. I have found that when people find out they don't care as much about it as we do. For instance, my family outside of my wife and my coworker have not been told. We have one set of friends that have been told because we were sharing a room with them for a weekend away. However, if any of them would ask, I would be upfront and frank about it.

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"Why is the rum always gone?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -
Gore Vidal

Msshendo,
The first time I told anyone outside my doctor, it was the same friend I just referenced in the post above. My god my heart was beating so hard I thought it was gonna jump right out my chest and run a marathon by itself. Wound up being one of the most freeing things I've ever done. Over the course of the last year-and-a-half I've since told my boss, another colleague, 2 friends and my Mom. Each time was easier than the last and I've hit the point you described where I just don't care anymore if someone new finds out I'm incontinent. It's been nice to be even a little less anxious now that I'm not dealing with this all by myself. Next challenge for me... screwing up enough courage to try dating. Now that scares the hell out of me.

CJ