www.incontinentsupport.org

The urologist who gave me my sphincterotomy described himself as a glorified mechanic. If you need a new part, they'll do what they need to do to fix it. However, I have found that for medical assistance in managing the daily demands of incontinence, occupational therapists and pelvic floor physical therapists are far more useful.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Mine started about 20 years ago. My days are in taped diapers, but at night, I now use cloth diapers and plastic pants. That saves me from having to get up a night to change. My wife supports me in all of this. .... Paul Martin

It took me some years to come to an acceptance, tried basically all the medication out there, to no avail. side effects proved more difficult to deal with than wetting accidents. So in the end, I went down the diaper route, and never looked back. I can function in everyday life, sure it does require some planning ahead, but besides that, no big deal, anymore, despite being in them now 24/7.

I think I have accepted certain aspects of incontinence and completely rejected others. At 25 I have been dealing with IC issues for years (probably since I was 10.... I have OCD tendencies and anxiety, so I remember being a fifth grader counting how many times I would pee and obsessing about it; it was insane, like 20 times a day and I just thought I was broken). I have a rough family dynamic and due to my family being absent half of the time when I was younger (to be honest I still don't know how they have no idea, or perhaps they know and just completely ignore it), I got away with washing clothes myself or just throwing them away as I got older and more mobile. It seemed to rear its ugly head and then quiet itself throughout my adolescence. Around 18-19 I started to have serious issues with an increase in bedwetting and daytime urge issues. I acknowledge that I have incontinence issues, and to be honest, I think I have probably just been struggling with some sort of voiding dysfunction for years that just got deemed urge IC once I finally sought help as an adult. The the only people I have confided this in is one or two incredibly close friends, one or two therapists, and a few doctors.

Bedwetting was easier to accept but that took a few years of near nightly accidents to accept that, but daytime wetting has become a real problem over the past two years. My daytime continence issues are a nightmare and I have not accepted that quite yet because it's only been a few years since I have been having enough accidents frequently to consider it a major problem, within the last year or so it has been very bad. I can't take medications due to allergies so my way of managing everything is incontinence briefs (diapers) as I used to just rely on a full brief at night and pull-on garments during the day or a very light diaper, but I had too many leaks and just started wearing the nighttime diapers all of the time. I definitely feel confident enough to tell the few whom I have wanted to disclose this to that I have IC problems but I cannot disclose to them that I rely on incontinence diapers all of the time. That aspect of the IC I have not accepted, and I still cannot even say those words physically out loud and that causes severe anxiety, other than when I go to the local diaper bank and have to ask for briefs. The diaper itself feels like such a physical barrier between me and the rest of the world sometimes and it really bolsters an even more debilitating distance between myself and others socially, emotionally. The diaper helps me completely forget that my body is broken until I have to dreadfully deal with changing it, and then I am reminded of my fate. The secrecy, embarrassment and shame is what prevents me from accepting these things.

Likewise, in frustration, I often want to just straight up drop PC language in an effort to help me accept it. I don't want to have a conversation about how incontinence makes me feel, where the person I am talking to is more embarrassed then me (and they are the one supposed to be helping me). This adds to the stigma immensely. I don't wear briefs. Briefs are what little boys and old men wear. I'm not a man, I literally hate that euphemism beyond words but use it out of respect. I wear diapers because I can't stop pissing on myself. I truly hate the PC nature of when I have disclosed these things, in particular to medical professionals/counselors because my internal dialogue is rarely PC. I have to accept my thoughts, my reality. Not a polite pseudonym awkwardly and dubiously describing my troubles that only leaves me more ashamed and angry. It makes it so much harder for me to accept my life situation and not skirt around the issues when I try to consult with a doctor and am only met with their perpetual avoidance.

vote4pedro's post highlighted some things that have concerned me lately:

I have been urge IC for a few months now, been depressed about it for a few days here and there, but otherwise resigned to the fact that this is the way it's going to be (diabetes nerve damage).

So while I don't really talk about it and have mostly accepted it, it is disappointing when I do mention it in passing with immediate family. Like you say, they blush and want to avoid the subject. My wife has been accepting to a point but she avoids the term diaper and for the most part, just doesn't want to know more. She trusts that I will do what I need to but otherwise doesn't want to be involved. Yet she says, briefs are for babies! So for the time being, things are a bit complicated.

The associated stigma is oh so strong, which makes this very frustrating.

From a physics point of view, what is the big deal? Void into a toilet or void into a diaper? Liquid moving from a bladder to a destination. What is so special about a diaper? It is simply a practical matter. And yet, it seems not.

This forum has been a big help to me in my own path to acceptance. Here we are not afraid to say "diaper" or talk about the issues and advice. Part of the struggle is just figuring out what type of diaper to wear. What works and what doesn't. This forum provides a full range of experiences and advice. So, please allow me to thank to all concerned for running and moderating this site.

I do think the people around us may often need more time than we do. They don't have the immediate problem to be solved. We must have the answers, while friends and family are free to avoid dealing with it.

Wayne,
We all need support from our wives / husbands when we’re faced with the long term need to wear a “protective garment “, regardless of what we choose to call it. I’m 100% certain that without my husband’s complete support, my life would be a mess! No one should feel ashamed for doing what needs to be done to be socially acceptable. Wetting yourself at work or at a restaurant, or in a store, or even at home while watching TV (etc) is why we all wear “protection”. I have worn “diapers” for nearly all my life and for the most part, I’ve accepted my need to wear diapers for the rest of my life. I’m okay with it and my husband and close family and friends are too. No one should be made to feel ashamed of the NEED to wear a diaper! I simply can’t imagine the stress of feeling that my SO doesn’t accept my physical needs to wear protection!
I hope that you find balance in your life and the support that we all need for whatever the issue. Life without support from your SO is bound to be stressful at the very least.

Thank you Sandy for your comments. We certainly don't need added stress. Despite my frustration, my wife's support is partially there and I believe it will improve. It's been a shocking adjustment for her. As you say, without any support from her, this would have been extremely difficult.

I tend to take the bull by the horns and run with it once I am convinced of the necessary course of action. So perhaps I need more patience and allow things to work themselves out. What is most urgent right now is knowing that I will have to last several hours for family outdoor sessions at parks. I want to avoid embarrassment in front of grandchildren and in-laws. So I am looking at some new options.

It seems that so much energy for IC is in discovering what works best. There are so many trade-offs and compromises with no universal answers.